Big Rich Texas, Season 2, Episode 6 Recap (3-25-12)

This weekend I, like moviegoers worldwide, stood in line for the release of Hunger Games. Call it a job related hazard, but as others cringed over the storyline of young people being forced to slaughter each other while the world watches via live telecast, I couldn’t help comparing the film to Style Network’s Big Rich Texas.

I came to the following conclusion: The Hunger Games, complete with hot, arrow wielding teens falling in love while being hunted by runway models with machetes, is more realistic than a “docu-drama” claiming Pamela Martin-Duarte as a highly regarded member of Dallas’ inner-circle.

Episode 6 begins at Muzzie’s, a strip mall boutique where Kalyn has been selling cheesy pageant gowns. Now that she’s dropped the run for Miss Dallas, Kalyn takes it all the way, “I realized that when I quit the pageant, not only am I done competing, I’m done with the entire pageant world.”

Kalyn gave the standard 2 weeks notice but she obviously didn’t know that part-time, hourly employees in the retail ball gown industry are held to higher standards. Erica, the owner of Muzzie’s, tells Kalyn about those expectations, “I understand kinda where your coming from but this is our busiest time of the entire year. I really think that you should stay and finish out at least another month or two.”

Kalyn quite professionally explains she can only give 2 weeks. Erica shows signs of a disorder marked by erratic mood swings, “Thank you for the 2 weeks notice but I don’t think you need to finish the day out, and, um, you can just get your things and leave.”

So Erica, about 4.9 seconds ago you couldn’t spare Kalyn but now you don’t need her to finish the day? Might I suggest using the two weeks like a normal employer, to interview possible replacements? Or better yet, hire a manager who’ll be able to interact with staff like it’s a business and not a messy break-up.

Across town at Uptown Consignment, Connie gets a visit from Leslie. Les pretends to be interested in a pair of used sandals so she can pump Conn for info, “So have you talked to Melissa?”

Leslie is on the couch reminiscing about last week’s episode, “Honestly, I thought that Maddie knew. And I feel like a jerk.”

But since Connie hasn’t heard from Mel, Leslie moves on, hinting that she’s ready to date again. Connie is on the same page, “My girlfriend has given me the name of a matchmaker, these are some rich, rich guys.” Leslie and Connie discuss meeting the matchmaker together.

Grace is nearby and adds, “She’s not allowed to date anyone til her and my dad are legally divorced.”

Good point, Grace. Connie, I thought you were already divorced? Leslie thought so too, “Excuse me? You’re not divorced?” Connie explains, “Well, not legally.”

But they’ve been separated for more than a year so Connie doesn’t understand her daughter’s problem. Grace lays it out plain and simple.

You’re still married. And married people aren’t supposed to go on dates with people they aren’t married to.

Grace, at the risk of sounding like a conservative Texan, that’s the most moral and intelligent thing I’ve heard on this show in 2 seasons. I love you. America loves you.

Next, we’re still overlooking Style’s assertion that Woodhaven Country Club is a place where socialites, and reality TV cast members pretending to be socialites, hang out. Pam and Melissa are golfing. Melissa mentions hearing that Pam has published her second novel. Pamela invites Mel to a party the Fashionistas are giving to celebrate the book release.

Elsewhere on Woodhaven property, Bon and Leslie discuss the number of typos found in Pam’s first book before they take on more important topics like the upcoming release of Bonnie’s 5th novel, described as a modern day Nancy Drew mystery.

DeAynni approaches and offers to plan a book signing party for Bonnie.

Over at Heidi Dillon’s house, Pam and Dillon’s posse are discussing the book signing party. Clearly Heidi’s assistant wasn’t prepared, “What was your first book called?” That wouldn’t have seemed like such a stupid question, had the second book not been titled Hard Whispers 2.

Pam tells the women something insane about the second book involving China and her conspiracy theory.

So Heidi asks Pam a question, the answer left us wondering what Duarte had been smokin’, “I’m curious to know how you got involved in conspiracy theory.”

Pam explains.

Well as a kid, I loved the UFOs and the cover-ups at area 51. The regular population of people, the ‘sheeple’ as I call ‘em aren’t privy to. I meet a lot of people that are so ignorant. The Navy just reported they found a spaceship when the solar flare happened last weekend. They saw this image, this big, massive UFO. And because they have cameras that are pointed at certain spots of the universe that is constantly filming and this object had been clothed in darkness.

OK. Well. Great.

Over at Leslie’s apartment, Kalyn and Tyler are sharing a blanket while they watch some late night TV on the couch. Kalyn has her head on Ty’s shoulder but sits upright when Leslie enters. Les is suspicious but is more concerned about Kalyn being able to get up for work in the morning.

Kalyn breaks the news, “I quit my job at Muzzie’s.”

Who can blame Leslie for telling Kalyn she has to have a job? I’m just wondering if Les would count this Big Rich Texas cast member thing as a job. Since it is.

Kalyn brainstorms with us. She’s interested in the culinary field, so how about a bakery? She applies with a trendy pastry shop on wheels, Trailercakes and admits to only a limited amount of experience in the kitchen, mainly boiling pasta.

The interviewer asks, “You might be expected to bake 2,000 cupcakes in 3 hours, do you think you could do that?”

Kalyn is sure she can. And I say, if Lucille Ball can bake, so can Kalyn.

Next, Connie and Leslie are meeting the matchmaking lady, Cindy.  Cindy wants the ladies to know she believes true love is possible, “You guys know that we work with only the most affluent clients in the Dallas area.”

Leslie has one concern, “It’s confidential, right?”

Leslie, you’re on a television show. We’ve analyzed your finances, your child, your godchild, your friendships, your ex-husband, the drowning death of your ex-husband, and your appearance on Millionaire Matchmaker. But you want to waste a solid 3 seconds of airtime to make sure this visit, in which you are surrounded by cameras, is confidential?

Cindy assures her it is. Cindy, you have your fingers crossed under your desk, don’t you? If not, you really should.

They get busy. Connie tells her she wants a guy who takes care of himself. Leslie wants a big guy, specifically, “not a skinny skeleton.” Cindy writes that down and then agrees to set them up on a double date.

 

Over at Bonnie’s house with the garage in front, Jason is taking photos of Maddie for the cover of Bon’s new book because Bon tells us Maddie is the embodiment of character Fiona Cross who she compares to Nancy Drew.

Bon, you’ve got Maddie playing the “modern day Nancy Drew” but she couldn’t do the math to figure out her mom was pregnant before she got married?

And what’s with Jason taking pics? Is the publisher’s photographer totally booked. Or sick. Or something, because it seems odd for the author’s husband to be in charge of the book jacket.

While the photo shoot is in progress, Bon tells DeAynni and Mel that she believes she’s being cyber-bullied by Pamela who is hiding behind various screen names. She shows some of the comments to the ladies and tells them, “These are the exact typos Pam has in her first book.”

Then Bon shares, “I’m embarrassed to admit this but I actually did a statistical analysis on typos and it’s .0001% probability. It’s her.” Bon, I think there’s a 98.0001% probability that you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

Back at Woodhaven, Kalyn runs into DeAynni’s daughter, Amber. Kalyn mentions that she’s looking for a bakery job. Amber agrees to hook her up with a friend in the pastry biz, if Kalyn will set Amber up with Tyler. Kalyn agrees.

Next, at Fedora, Connie and Leslie meet their soul mates provided by Cindy the matchmaker. Connie’s date reveals that since joining the service 3 years ago, he’s been set up with roughly 150 women. Connie, along with America, was grossed out when he kissed her on her lips.

Leslie’s date, an oilman wearing a pink button down and white dinner jacket, seemed nice enough but didn’t appear to be Leslie’s type.

Meanwhile, Bonnie is at home reading grammatically incorrect comments from her cyber bully, JS Rothschild, who Bon believes is really Pam. Rothschild calls Bon a “looser.” This is certainly an indicator that Bonnie could be right about Rothschild’s true identity.

Over at Melissa’s apartment, Maddie is playing Wii in an area that I’m certain is well below the space size suggested for safe play in the instruction manual. Mel sits down to clear the air since Leslie announced the thing about Mel being pregnant before marriage in front of Maddie.

Mel explains, “That was not something I intently, purposely was never going to tell you. I don’t want you make the same mistakes I did.” Then Mel praises Maddie for being such a good kid and gives her the keys to the car she’d taken away previously.

So you give her car back to distract her from your out of wedlock pregnancy 20 years ago? Good idea, Mel. High five.

Amber set Kalyn up for an interview at Meringue Bakery. The truth wasn’t Kalyn’s friend at Trailercakes, so this time she makes herself out to be Betty Crocker and lands the job on a trial basis.

At Southfork Ranch, Bonnie’s book signing is under way. She takes the microphone and awkwardly introduces her new character to the world, “So this is my new book series, this is Fiona Frost and this is an updated teen sleuther.”

Sleuther? This is your 5th book? And you have a PhD? Sleuther?

After Maddie read an excerpt of the book to a crowd of teens, Bon sets out to mingle. Hannah congratulates her on the book and Bon responds, “So, how’s your cyber-bully mom?”

Hannah defends Pamela, “Do you really think my mom has enough time to cyber-bully? She runs multiple companies and is constantly busy, too busy to cyber-bully.”

Whitney tells Bon, “Thanks for being rude and embarrassing me in front of my friend.” Shut up Whit. Wasn’t it you who knocked Kalyn’s crown off her head and threw a drink in her face a few weeks ago?

Next, Leslie heads over to Pam’s book release party where she finds Melissa and delivers a heartfelt apology for the script she didn’t write for outing her to Maddie on the pregnancy ordeal from 2 decades ago. Mel does not find the apology to be genuine and therefore does not accept.

I think I liked Melissa better when she was boring and sniffing people’s food last season.

Next, Hannah tells her mom about Bon accusing Pam of being a cyber-bully.

Pam tells Ignacio and Hannah what she thinks about Bonnie, “She’s such a trash talker, she makes things up.” And it must be opposite day because next Pamela says, “She continues day after day, week after week, month after month, harping, bullying, picking on people. She picks on my friends, now she’s pickin’ on my family.”

Seriously, I must have missed some episodes because I don’t remember Bonnie doing any of this.

But Pam is on a roll and she can’t make her mouth stop moving, “For her to claim she’s so smart, she sure is freakin’ dumb. There is nothing intellectual about that woman. She’s just pathetic.” See Pam, I don’t think there was anything said about Bon being smart. She just said you were a bully. You’re starting that thing again where you can’t distinguish between what people have said and what you believe they’re thinking. We need to get a handle on this.

Next we’re at Cork for Pam’s book-signing party. Leslie enters and Connie reminds her it’s a private party. Leslie doesn’t care because she wants to get to know more about infiltrating a group Pam so desperately wants to impress the Fashionistas.

Meanwhile, Bonnie is furious because JS Rothschild is at it again. But this time the cyber-bully has attacked Whitney with the following comment.

I have a new word for Bonnie’s daughter. It’s Whitney trash.

So JS, technically I think the T on trash should be uppercase if, according to you, that’s her name. And Whitney Trash is two words. AND, that’s so lame. I think I’ve called her worse and I kind of like her sometimes.

But Bonnie seems to think Whitney Trash is the ultimate insult and she’s going to put a stop to the madness. She grabs her keys and heads out to confront Pam at her book-signing party.

Back at Cork, Leslie is mingling with Fahionistas board member Leanne Locken. She tells Leanne that she’s trying to find her niche so Leanne responds with, “What would you have to offer the Fahionistas?”

Pam sees that Leslie and Leanne are visiting and tells Melissa, “Leanne is falling for Leslie’s bull s***. I thought Leanne was smarter than that.” But before Pam can scratch Leanne’s eyes out for speaking to Leslie, Bonnie is on the scene.

Bonnie tells Pam, “I think all of your friends need to know what you really are.” They exchange several juvenile insults before Barry, Pam’s bodyguard, asks Bonnie to leave. She breaks something, yells, “This party sucks,” and takes off.

Heidi approaches Pam and with all the class she can muster asks, “What the f*** was that?” The following goes down between Duarte and Dillon.

Heidi: What did you do to her exactly?

Pam: I didn’t do anything. I might have told her to f*** off on Twitter or Facebook one time.

Heidi: I do not put up with that kind of crap at our events. Something has to be done. I’m not putting up with it, I can promise you.

This is when viewers across the nation rose to their feet chanting, “Kick. Her. Out. Kick. Her. Out.” And while Dillon didn’t totally dismantle Pam, previews of next week’s episode indicate more tense interactions with Bonnie as Heidi looks on.

Go Bon.

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