Style Network, having already proven their inability to recruit reps from Dallas’ elite social circles, has added a new mother/daughter trio to the lineup. I had hoped one of them would be ballsy enough to shove the season one ladies aside and finally knock Pamela Martin Duarte off her yoga matt.
But after watching the premiere, I have little faith that party planner DeAynni can get the job done. And it’s not because she lives in Colleyville, spells her name really weird and has a super annoying laugh reminiscent of The Nanny. It’s more because of her teeth. Unfortunately, Duarte will never let someone with giant teeth make a game changing power play.
Episode 1 begins with Connie, Pamela and Melissa catching up over a cup of coffee while practicing their aim for an upcoming bird killing contest. Each of the ladies is decked out in hunting couture. Connie likely scored her outfit from a rich dead woman while Pamela put her matronly stamp on things with a ridiculous ruffled up collar. Thanks, Pam. Now I can’t stop singing Purple Rain.
Connie continues to practice blowing innocent animals out of the sky while updating the ladies on her reconnaissance mission to investigate Leslie’s claims of wealth. Connie aims. And shoots, “Leslie Birkland’s buildings, well, the real Leslie Birkland is Asian.”
POW. Connie aims again. And pulls the trigger, “Let’s just say I don’t think she’s a millionaire.”
Cut to the Verona apartment building that Leslie and Kalyn call home now that the lease is up on the mansion. Leslie gives Bonnie a tour that can be conducted while standing in one place. Leslie makes sure Bonnie knows that the condo move was not based on finances, “Everything in it is eco-friendly. Being from Washington, that’s kind of a big deal and I just want to embrace my roots. It was impossible being an environmentalist out at the other house.”
Via private interview Leslie adds, “Tyler went back to Washington so the house was just too big for Kalyn and I.” I thought Tyler was just visiting? But if the lake and extra ballroom were for him, I can see why Les went month-to-month.
Bonnie estimates the size difference between Leslie’s rented mansion and the new condo, “It’s quite smaller. Probably about 13,000 square feet less.” Even though they just met last summer, Bon doesn’t doubt Leslie and further demonstrates her unconditional friendship by asking Les to be her maid of honor when she renews her wedding vows with Jason.
Next, the crew is gathered at the Woodhaven Country Club in Fort Worth for the annual “fall cocktail gala.” I’m not sure that any party held within the protective confines of a barbed-wire, chain-link fence can be called a “gala.”
But Pamela gets the party started by confirming that Leslie is not investing in the club renovations after all. Leslie has other plans for her fortune, “My attorney and I are going to open up a pilates studio.”
Pamela is on the couch and she’s giddy, “Now she’s opening a pilates studio. I’m sorry but that b**** can’t afford to open a paper bag.” Pam, it’s true that not everyone can have a knight in their game room or Greek god statues in the yard. You win.
But Leslie can’t let this die down before giving Pam more material, “And with my pageant training business, I’ve decided to make Kalyn, Miss America.”
So here’s how the rest went down as the ladies, wearing cocktail attire from the Dillard’s juniors department, start gettin’ up in each other’s grill to randomly debate which of them is truly almost bilingual.
Pam: It doesn’t take a lot of money to open a pilates studio.
Bon: What does that matter?
Pam: Did I pull your string? Did anyone rattle your cage? Do you understand English? [Pam makes puppet gestures with both hands]
Bon: Yeah, I do.
Pam: Obviously not.
Bon: That’s the only language you understand.
Pam: Whatever, I understand many languages.
Bon: List them.
Pam: I don’t need to list anything to you, you loser.
Bon: Loser, really? PhD. I don’t think I’m a loser, b****.
Pam: You’re real intelligent, look at you. Have you looked in the mirror lately?
Bon: Ditto, with your spray tan.
Pam: Whatever, at least I’m not full of plastic.
Bon: Really? You have a scar from here to here. [gestures area indicating Pam has had a facelift]
Pam: You’re a f***ing liar. Don’t f***ing talk to me like that. [her finger right up in Bon’s face]
Leslie jumps in to save Bon from drowning in her own lame comebacks: Stop, b***.
Then Ignacio makes an awkward attempt to guide Leslie to a waste receptacle, “The trash goes in the garbage. So please, go to the garbage.” Ignacio, you really need to stay out of this. Pam has a hard enough time conjuring up adult level insults without your 3rd grade input, K? Besides, she has this under control.
Pam: You’re the con artist who came to Texas. You get your a** back to California. Get the f*** out of my state. F*** you.
Duarte, you can’t claim the entire state of Texas from a ghetto in Fort Worth on the set of a reality TV show. But it was a bold effort.
Leslie returns to the apartment and tells Kalyn about her spontaneous pledge to make her goddaughter Miss America. She runs through Kalyn’s to-do list that she drafted on her way home from the gala:
- Lose a few pounds
- Go to college
- Win Miss Dallas
- Win Miss Texas
Five minutes ago, Kalyn was curled up on the sofa watching TV, now she’s writing college entrance essays on the treadmill. But in the end, Leslie knows Kalyn will see that the hard work was worth it, “It’s going to help my business because people will be lining up to work with the woman who trained a winner.”
Cut to 18 year old Hannah who just started her sophmore year at University of Missouri. She’s home for the weekend because Mizzou is too cold. But she tells Whitney via Skype that she’s not returning to school because she’s decided to move to California. That’s a good plan, Hannah, but have you considered just buying a Snugggie?
It seems perfectly rational to 23 year old Whitney who still has no real direction and recently made an abrupt move to Seattle for her showmance, Tyler. In fact, Whit is moving again. She’s coming back home because Ty told her the only reason he’s been dating her is because his mom made him, “for social status.”
I don’t know Whit, stand back and think about that one. Leslie made her son date a chick with the C word stamped on her foot? For social status? Maybe Tyler was just trying to be nice. But any way you slice it, another sudden, cross-country relo seems reasonable.
Back to Woodhaven where Kalyn is telling Grace and Maddie that she has to be Miss America so she’s jacking up her resume, “So, like, I have to go to school now.” Grace wants to know where she’s applying but while Kalyn “is looking into a bunch of different colleges,” she can’t seem to remember the names of any.
Kalyn, does El Centro ring a bell?
Bon’s husband, Jason, is perturbed when Whitney calls to say she’s coming home. I wasn’t sure exactly why because he had so much gel in his hair I couldn’t concentrate. It was something about Whit not enrolling in school as promised.
Whitney returns to Dallas and is overjoyed to be at Bonnie’s her house with the garage in front. She reflects on the time she spent with Ty, “I’m so glad to be away from that box of rocks.” And now that she’s home, she asks mom to buy her some implants.
Hey Whit, I’m not sure but it looks like Bon bought the boobs for Kalyn while you were away.
Whitney begins to debrief on the Seattle thing, telling Bonnie that Tyler and Leslie are “liars” and that they don’t own multiple properties as claimed. Bon remains loyal and sticks up for Les. So Whitney, like your standard well-bred respectful socialite, tells her mom, “Get your head out of your a**.”
Cut to the pre-hunting preparations at Beretta where Pam and Connie are shopping for some hunting attire. Pam settles on a fur with eyeballs still intact before heading to the gun department. Ladies, if you’re such big hunters why don’t you have this stuff already?
Pam makes a joke about how they’re going peasant and pheasant hunting all in one day. Then she adds, “You know, I bet the bullets for this gun are worth more than Leslie.”
Next, we get to shop for the same event with Bon and Leslie over at Mountain Hideout. Leslie settles on pink camo which would totally keep the birds from noticing her in a candy store.
Back to Whitney’s efforts to prove that Leslie has been dishonest. She shows Bonnie the online public records for the home Leslie claims to still own. She points to the screen so we can see that the 6 bedroom, 6,000 square foot home with central air and a detached garage was last sold in 2005 for $835,000. Never mind that is also says the home was built 2 years later in 2007. Is this where Leslie claimed Bill Gates was her neighbor? If so, he’s a super frugal billionaire or Leslie lived in his guest house.
Bon admits, “There’s something fishy about it but there’s got to be an explanation.” Whitney comforts her mom, “You’re so dumb.”
Hannah breaks the news to Pamela that she’s dropping out of Mizzou and heading to California where “there is a great school in Santa Monica.” Pam won’t hear of it but inside of 90 seconds she’s fully convinced this is a good plan. With that decided, they move on to more important matters, like Whitney.
Next, Style Network attempts a fast one, giving viewers a glimpse of the “5 star” location for the club’s pheasant murdering event . The Mesquite Ridge Lodge, a place I couldn’t locate via Google search, doesn’t look like an establishment familiar with a resort star rating system. And aside from the fact that women don’t often hunt for fun, and especially without men, they certainly don’t do it in Mesquite sans a spa. But we’ll play along.
Pamela rates Leslie’s outfit as she arrives at the lodge, “Leslie looks so stupid in that pink camo. I mean, leave it to Leslie to make camo look like a hooker outfit.” Pam, I’m not a pink camo fan either but you have little room to be pointing out poor fashion decisions. Need I remind you about the chiffon number in season 1? Or that Spanish thing you wore to your attack Leslie party?
Pamela sits down with Bonnie and reveals what Whitney hadn’t told Bon, that Tyler was only dating Whit because his mom made him. Bonnie is done defending Leslie, “I’m the mama bear. I’m gonna f***that b**** up.”
Bonnie hops in a truck and drives into the line of fire. She gets out with Whitney in tow and heads straight for Leslie yelling, “Are you f***ing serious, b****?” And, with the others looking on, Bon confronts Leslie about making Tyler date Whitney.
Leslie denies it all, “This is completely ridiculous.”
Bonnie and Whit stomp back to the truck with a distraught Leslie yelling, “Whitney, I can’t make him love you.”
Previews of season 2 leave viewers with the impression that Heidi Dillon is really powerful, Kalyn and Tyler hook up, and that Whitney throws a punch at Kalyn. I can’t wait.