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Television

The A-List Dallas: Season Finale Recap

All good things must come to an end. And so, too, must bad things, apparently, because here we are, recapping the final episode of The A-List Dallas.
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All good things must come to an end. And so, too, must bad things, apparently, because here we are, recapping the final episode of The A-List Dallas. In appreciation for our patience with the countless prayer circles, unsuccessful interventions, and ridiculous conversations about Austin, Logo has rewarded us. “Showdown at the Rodeo” featured a special guest star! The Wade Earp of the Texas Gay Rodeo Association is on this thing! I kid, I kid. Actually, he is on the episode. But so, too, is professional mean person Ann Coulter in her black dress. (She has but the one.) But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, friends.

You’re good with people, and I think you’d have a good rapport with the crowd. Gay rodeo superstar Wade Earp is meeting with Levi to talk about his future on the rodeo circuit. For those who have amnesia or a life, Levi visited the doctor last week and learned his hopes of rodeoing have been dashed. But Wade has an idea. “You could be announcing some events,” he says. Wade doesn’t have to ask twice. “This is crazy. This is…”Levi says, hyperventilating. “You’ve made my dreams come true.”

That’s what makes Wade Earp a special guest star.

Not all conservatives are antigay bigots. Taylor is meeting with a very tan man named Jimmy LaSalvia about a job. It seems La Salvia sees potential in Taylor—he thinks Tay could be useful when it comes to reaching Republicans who can pony up anywhere between $2,500 to $25,000. “We really need to raise a million dollars,” La Salvia says with his pinky in his mouth. And that’s when Dr. Evil chooses to mention his good buddy—Ann Coulter. “She’s really one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet,” he tells Taylor. And Taylor is down! “Conservative women are fabulous because they’re happy!” he opines at one point. (No one seems happier than Ms. Coulter and that dress.) He’s looking forward to the meeting. “She says what she thinks,” he says.

Baby, that’s awesome. Over at Intervention Park, Levi and Chase are meeting about Levi’s decision to become a gay rodeo announcer. It’s a very exciting position with countless perks, but it’s not all glamour. “I’m a little nervous about the prayer situation.” Chase has a solution: ask Ashley for help. “Honey, she’s got to be better at praying than photography,” he points out.  In the distance, as Ashley tries to run down James and haul him off to Promises, she yells, “I heard that!”

Chase is going to have a complete breakdown. It’s time to drink some drinks! James, Levi, Phillip, and Phillip’s porkpie hat meet for some cocktails. The first order of business: discussing Levi’s incredible news of becoming a gay rodeo announcer. (I swear, this topic is the new Austin.) “This is the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me before,” Levi says before inviting them to the big show. Phillip for one is surprised by the new career path. “He’s such a mumbler,” he notes.

But enough talk of jobs and careers and employment! Phillip wants to hear what’s going on with the great Chase and Taylor juggle. Levi, in announcer mode, answers, “It’s like I don’t know. Mumble. [Chase] is more of the type that’s like hang-out type. Mumble. Taylor’s the guy that you’re just like the sex is good but you fight all the time.” I see a smooth-talking politician in the future!

She’s fabulous. You’re going to love her. In Los Angeles, Taylor and his tan friend are meeting Ann Coulter and her black dress at a restaurant where she can pretend to eat and pass judgment. She opens with some of her 9/11 jokes (they always kill!) before moving on to her “liberal” one-liners. After the laughter and applause die down, she directs her attention to Taylor. They talk Chris Christie. They talk pro life. She drops the name of her book. (Nicely done.) You know, just lunch talk. Then Taylor gets down to business. “I’m a conservative Christian who happens to be gay,” he says. He goes on to say something about Jesus saying nothing about being gay when Ann interrupts him. “He did. But you know the beautiful thing about being Christian, we don’t get there by our acts,” she says. As Taylor tries to disagree, she interrupts. “You’re not supposed to fornicate. I just want that on the table.” So there you have it, folks. We now know why Ann Coulter is in such a bad mood. She’s not married, so she’s not having sex. Mystery solved!

Talk turns to a possible visit to Texas. “I’ll definitely look you up in Austin because I’ll need a bodyguard,” she says.

What am I doing in Dallas? Nothing. James has called a meeting of the minds with Levi and Phillip. He, too, has news. Nothing as exciting as going to the rodeo, mind you, but news nonetheless. He has decided to relocate to Los Angeles to pursue his thespian dreams. While the fellas seem fine with it, he fears the wrath of his drug counselor Ashely. He can’t tell her. “She’ll just have to double up on prayers,” Levi jokes. Phillip would rather talk about people than James’ pipe dreams, so he jumps on the Trash Ashley train. “She’s always wrapped up in our business,” he complains. “Like, girl, stay out of it!”

Thank heavens Ashley will never, ever know about all the mean things those boys said about her.

I’ll have some parting words for him. Hey, did you hear that Levi has a new job as a gay rodeo announcer? He does! He meets with Ashely so that it can once again get mentioned on the program. He also needs her help with a prayer. Luckily, the business lady has brought her laptop, so the two can get down to business. “What are you thankful for?” Ashley asks. “You have to articulate. Just speak from your heart.”

Bored with the prayer talk, Levi drops the bomb about James’ going-away party. Ashely knows nothing abut the move to LA or the party. So Levi invites her. Because he’s nice.

If I had Ashley nagging at me and b*tching at me all the time, it would feel like Chinese water torture. Who wants sushi? Not Ashley. When she shows up at the going-away party she wasn’t invited to, she asks for a fork and ranch. She also wants to once again tell James that he’s a big old drunk. “I think you have a problem and that you’re running away,” she says. “Good luck in LA and send me a postcard and I’m done.” As she stalks out with her Hidden Valley Ranch, she screams, “I said, good day, sir!” (I so wish.)

This is the gayest rodeo you’ve ever seen. It’s the night of the gay rodeo, and 11 people are there. Chase is sitting next to Taylor. Levi prays for the cowboys and livestock. James dreams of LA. They’re all bored. Noted stylist to the stars Phillip wants out, so he picks a fight with Ashely. “Why are you always in our business all of the time?” he asks her. She says some words, and Philip interrupts. “You know what? I’m over you,” he says. “Phillip has left the gay rodeo.” And he’s out.

Phillip might be brilliant.

I don’t see Levi and Chase lasting long. At the after-party following the gay rodeo (who knew?), the gang is drinking drinks. Knowing how impressed people will be, Taylor mentions his fancy lunch with Ann Coulter and her dress. Chase is not happy with this namedrop and asks if Taylor is a Coulter supporter. “I agree with everything but her gay marriage point,” Taylor says. (Which is hilarious because you know that not even Ann Coulter—or her dress!—agrees with everything Ann Coulter says.)

Seeing Chase’s reaction suddenly has Taylor worried. People might be upset by it. He might eventually have a questionable tale about death threats. So he changes the subject to something more palatable: hooking up with Levi the week before in San Antonio. This hurts Chase, and he wants answers from Levi. But Levi is wasted. Like really wasted. He either apologizes or sings the lyrics to “Fancy” by Reba McEntire. It is very hard to tell.

I want you to just fly, you know. I guess the trust fund has run its course because there will be no moving trucks and first-class flights for James. He has stuffed his car full—so full, in fact, that his trunk may or may not close—and he is driving to Los Angeles. Before he leaves, Ashley shows up with a van to try to once again get him to check out rehab. He escapes. And so do we.

It’s over, friends. Until our next locally filmed program!