The A List Dallas: Episode Nine Recap

“Forgive my vengeful ways” should be what the Logo execs write in my Christmas card. They should also enclose a check for $25 by way of apology. (My time is not all that valuable after all, and let’s be honest. I’d be watching something just as dreadful if not for this show.) But let’s stop dreaming of a fair world, and instead focus on the “Forgive My Vengeful Ways” episode of The A-List Dallas.

I don’t mind a little wood in the face. Levi and Chase are hitting some golf balls and drinking drinks. After a few strokes, Chase starts asking Levi some tough questions about Inchwear. He wants to know about the vendor problems. He wants to hear about cash problems. And he wants to know about possible investors (possibly blocking out the meeting with Chesty LaRue from last week; I’m still trying.), before offering up some cash. Levi is reluctant. “Any time you take money from people you’re sleeping with, you’re a prostitute,” he explains. This is apparently much different from being an attention whore.

I can dislike somebody, and I don’t have to be a b*tch to you. The fashion event of the year is going down at the Trinity River Audubon Center. Everyone—aside from Anna, Andre Leon Talley, and Grace Coddington—is there. JJ Barea-lookalike Mohammed is there with Taylor. Ashley is there with straight hair. And Phillip and Chase are there, too.

Phillip—the Louella Parsons of stuff no on cares about—obviously wants to know what’s going on with Taylor and Mohammed so that he can file his report. He calls the action of hooking up with the best friend of your mortal enemy “revengosity.” I call it “exhausting.”

Meanwhile, Ashley is pumping Chase about his relationship with Levi. “For the first time in my life, I’m okay with being hurt,” Chase tells her. But our friend Ashley will not be deterred from trying to save people. (James is nowhere to be found.) “Levi is the wrong person to grow [with]. There’s death there. There’s no growing,” she surmises. Chase then changes the subject and tells her that he wants a relationship like hers.

Ashley’s husband is never present.

Hey, I’m not perfect. Not long after the fashion extravaganza, Ashley sets up a date with her Bible and her friend Taylor. She needs to judge him for going out with Mohammed for “all the wrong reasons.” She needs Taylor to know that “love is not a game, you know what I mean?” After looking at him sternly for 3.5 seconds, she says, “My heart says, let’s pray about it.” So Taylor prays for forgiveness for his vengeful ways (Hey! that’s the episode title!). He wants peace with Levi. In case God does not understand, Ashley offers up a metaphor. “Give Taylor’s heart, like, a facial, and give my heart, like, a pedicure.”

I think acting would be a great career path for me because I have nothing else to do. James is in a cold, scary studio filled with overweight men. He’s decided to follow his day-long dream of becoming a thespian and is auditioning for a film about chubby chasers. “I’m gonna have you dance a little bit,” a casting agent murmurs. James is ready to drink. We are, too.

I’m a fifth generation Texan, and there’s never been a crisis like this. Ashely and Taylor are meeting again, but they have replaced the Bible with wine. “So you know about the wildfires?” Ashley asks. When Taylor looks confused, she explains what that word means and goes on to say that she would like to go help rescue the horses in the area. Not one to do anything alone, she invites her husband to go with her. Just kidding! She invites her super best friends from A-List Dallas. Taylor isn’t so sure about all this. “Ashely is so sweet and such a do-gooder. But do I want to shovel poop?” he asks himself. But then he finds out that the man he loves to hate—Levi—will be there sans Chase. “Sold!” he silently screams.

See here’s the problem, baby, I actually have a wedding. And indeed, Ashley must have ESP because in an apartment across town, Chase is telling Levi that he will be unable to partake in Project Horse Rescue. Levi is disappointed because he wanted to share a room. As appealing as going Dutch on a hotel room in San Antonio sounds, Chase refuses to cancel his plans.

But that brings up some other stuff. “Where are we really?” Chase asks. For the 253rd time, Levi says he likes things they way they are. “Just know that I’m not dating anybody else right now if that make you feel better,” Chase says. Inexplicably, the conversation becomes peppered with talk of “Summer’s Eve” and “douche.” I’m not making this up.

She’s kind of like a mother who eats their young. They don’t see it coming. James is trying to tell Ashley about his new career, but it’s not easy. “I can’t tell you anything because you’re always talking,” he says. Ashley begins to talk again. She knows acting coaches! She knows the business! She’s creative! When James is hurt by her inference that he needs help, she says, “If I give you a piece of gum, I’m not telling you that your breath is bad and you need to brush your teeth.”

Being in the hot sun working, all I want is a margarita. The gang is on a ranch near San Antonio. I’m not sure if the dangerous part of the mission happened off camera, but they seem to be having a fine time now. Phillip is rocking a vest. Taylor has on a tiny striped t-shirt that he borrowed from a mime and a child-size cowboy hat. He’s also texting. “There’s so much tension with Levi,” he says. “It’s killing me.” (The tension might be due in part to his clothing and accessories being far too small.)

I have the urge to bless this margarita. Mariachis abound at the Mexican restaurant where our friends have gathered after  a hard day of work. Taylor is being charming. “I don’t speak Mexican very well,” he quips. When the laughter dies down, things take a turn. Levi notes that Taylor’s lips look like they’ve been “punched.” Hints of the tragedy that transpired in Austin come up (again). “We’re not going to go to Austin!” Ashley shreiks. Good on you, Ashely.

I hope that you can Chase can be a great couple. This is what Taylor tells Levi before the two engage in a lame slap fight and make out on the River Walk. Levi also puts his dumb hat on Taylor’s head. At least it’s adult-sized.

I hope that what happens in San Antonio stays in San Antonio. With the adventures in San Antonio over, Levi is ready to drink some drinks with Chase. “How are you, babe?” Chase asks. Levi talks about riding a four wheeler with Ashley, spreading manure, and shoveling poop. He does not talk about having romantic relations with Taylor. “Please tell me you and your two exes didn’t have a threesome,” Chase pleads. Levi is happy to swear that, no sir, no way, no how, that did not happen. This makes Chase happy, and he’s ready to toast. “I think [Taylor] is a back stabbling little ignorant snake. Cheers!”

Until next time.

Image: Beau Bumpas

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