We did it! We made it through the first (and last?) season of Most Eligible Dallas. But if we thought the season finale—entitled “Pony Up”—was going to be easy to get through, we were dead wrong. We were forced to witness the charitable narcissist pretend to be a gentleman, Drew cry on cue, and a make-out session that will leave a mark on our brain forever. For that reason, I christen the final episode “Playing Possum.” Let’s get the show on the road.
The salt burns. We open the episode at Adrift Float Spa. Court and Tara are daintily gulping Chard while an attendant waxes on about how lying in a mixture of 11 inches of water mixed with 1,000 pounds of Epsom salt will make you look 52 years younger. “Have you ever been to a floatatorium?” spa lady asks. “Floating is huge in Europe.” And she’s right. If the year is 1992, and your name is Edina Monsoon, and you’re a character on a show called Absolutely Fabulous, floating is, for sure, without a doubt, the newest, most cutting-edge thing! (Cheers, thanks a lot.)
All this talk about looking younger than you say you are has got Tara thinking. She thinks it’s very important to look your best at all times—and she says something about how imperative it is that a lady keep up those roots. One could almost hear a collective gasp around town over the din of the thunderstorm at that very moment, right? I’m afraid Tara might suffer from the same malady as our friend Matty—the condition of not being able to see the hair (or lack thereof) on top of the head—so the lady doesn’t know she needs a new maintenance plan for those roots. I’ve heard this affliction might be Matt’s next big charitable cause.
Moving on, Court is mad because spa lady said she could only have but the one glass of Chard, and in her words, “mama don’t play that.” But once she is reminded that she’s been drinking since sunrise, she calms down, and she and Tara get in the tub. Deep waters lead to deep thoughts. “Like, where do they get a thousand pounds of salt from?” Tara muses. “Albertson’s.” Courtney answers.
I made a mistake, and I hurt him. In the process, I hurt me, too. Drew is still reeling from accidentally making out with a random dude in front of the love of his life. He knows he hurt Cody, but even worse, he’s hurt himself! He decides to commune with nature to decide what to do. Armed with a cigarette behind his ear and an iPhone, he heads for Lakeside Park and lets the universe—and Bravo producers—tell him how to make everything okay. Should he go to church? Should he go to an ashram in India? Should he quit smoking? Should he buy Cody a car? Should he maybe just leave Cody in peace?
Nope. The universe wants Drew to call Cody again and invite him to dinner.
So he gives Cody a jingle and offers up a free meal. Unimpressed, Cody mumbles on about bad energy, moving on, a study about the negative effects of nicotine on schizophrenics, the pros and cons of Occupy Wall Street, and the uncertainty of the Euro. Finally, he signs off with, “I’ll just catch you later.”
I don’t do “friend” zones. Another day, another tiny tee. For this particular occasion on a football field, Matty is sporting the “muscle tee” model. He and Glenn are feeling the burn while they play catch. It seems Glenn has been picked up by the Oakland Raiders, so in preparation for rejoining his colleagues in the NFL, he’s training with a charitable businessman who played college ball a decade before.
Glenn is excited about getting back to California. Although “Babe” (the girlfriend, not the pig) has moved from Oakland to San Francisco, it will still be much more convenient to spend time with her. The charitable businessman can empathize. “It’ll be interesting, that’s for sure,” he chortles.
That unpleasant business disposed of, the conversation can finally turn to the stars of the show: Matt and Court. “What’s the deal with you and Courtney?” Glenn sighs. Matt laughs, says a lot of clever things about how Court gives him a “hard” time, and laments about the possibility of losing his best friend ever in the history of the world if something were to go wrong during their upcoming trip to the Hamptons on the Brazos.
The happy ending that I guess I had in my head is gone. Our hero and resident health nut Drew is smoking cigarettes, chugging Rock Star, and chanting in his Porsche. He’s preparing for dinner with Cody. Apparently, “I’ll catch you later” is code for “See you at 8” in Most Eligible speak.
Armed with his trusty iPhone, Drew sits at the table and psychs himself up for Cody’s arrival. “Tonight I have to tell Cody how I feel before he leaves for New York,” he explains. “I love him.” Cody finally enters and, let’s just say, he needs to turn that frown way upside down. When Drew asks how he’s doing, Cody answers, “I’ve had better days.”
While Cody is trying to muster up the tears that have been ordered by Bravo, Drew goes to work on mending this all-important relationship that he destroyed when he made out with someone else in Cody’s presence. (I think this merits repeating. It’s not a nice thing to do.) “I need to tell you something,” Drew stammers. “Cody, I love you with all my heart.”
Cody rolls his eyes so hard that they get stuck in the back of his head. While waiting for a Seeing Eye dog to escort him out of this horrible scene, he tries to recall his lines. “I so thought that we were finally in a good place, and I feel like a f*cking fool because I’m sitting here…I don’t feel like there’s anything left to say,” he says.
But on second thought, Cody has a few more choice words for Drew. “We need to go our separate ways,” he says. “I really don’t want to be around you.”
Sometimes I feel like the universe is saying, Drew, you’re just better off single. Shortly after Cody makes his escape, Drew heads for his car where he can more comfortably cry to the camera. Once that task is complete, he calls Tara to see if he can come over, but she is hanging out with Number One Gay Daylon. What is it with this guy, Drew thinks and begins to cry harder.
Tara sighs and says that she and Number One will meet Drew at the Grapevine. “I’m in the Porsche,” Drew replies. “I can get there fast.”
Sadly, it seems the Grapevine will not allow our friends to film inside because the remainder of the scene takes place in a parking lot. But that won’t stop our community players. Drew is rapidly losing fluids from his nose as he explains that he said he was sorry and the love of his life Cody will not forgive him for making out with another boy in his presence. Tara nods compassionately. Daylon, rocking serious cleavage by the way, says, “You were the bigger person, and you did the right thing.” No one challenges Drew. No one tells him that he did a bad thing. No one explains that just because you apologize doesn’t mean someone has to accept.
Even so, Drew is a changed man. He’s no longer the childish, selfish, shallow man. After his teary closeup, Drew wants to talk about something important. “I was at the dealership today,” he tells Daylon. “A white [car] came in at your perfect price point, too.”
It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a horse. “Get me Craig, the lake house director!” busy businessman barks to no one. He has to get the director of lake houses on the line ASAP in order to plan for his overnight date with Courtney. “Is everything looking like we can pull it off?” he asks. Craig is likely very nervous about the royalty that is about to descend upon the Kingdom de Possum. The Nordgrens are going to build a compound—very much like Kennedys and Bushes—on a 1.5-acre lot. You heard me. One point five acres.
Matt tasks el director with arranging horseback rides, firing up the hot tubs, and putting together a s’mores extravaganza because it has apparently been Courtney’s lifelong dream to do s’mores. “As you wish, sir,” Craig sobs.
With his footman on the case, Matt decides it’s time to pick up Court. “I’m so tired,” he sighs after shoving her in the car. “Let’s get the hell out of town.”
We’re ready to kill it. Remember when Neill was a cast member? Yeah, that’s over. While we’re waiting to see if Matt puts a baby in Court’s tummy, we pop by a thrift shop where Neill visits with oil painter mom Cindy, talks about the “first Dallas debut” of world sensation Kitty Lala, and tries on clothes.
Like most men, you just kiss ’em, and they go. Matt and Courtney finally arrive in the St. Bart’s of Palo Pinto. Unfortunately, construction on the Nordgren Compound has yet to start, so the dashing duo must stay at The Inn Hotel. “It’s a nice place to stay when you’re building your house,” Matt explains.
After Courtney has applied a can of hairspray and Matt has smoothed out his short-sleeved tiny tee, it’s time to ride horses with Cowboy Chad. It’s awkward—no one seems to be having fun, least of all Cowboy Chad and the horses. Courtney’s horse even toots, and we get it. Anything to get away from these people. Undeterred, everyone rides on to the sprawling plot of land that will one day be home to the Nordgren Compound. Lest anyone be confused, the Nordgens have even erected a sign identifying the spot as their property, like the wealthy elite do.
Of the view, he says, “Is this sick, or what?” And Cowboy Chad mutters, “Something is,” before being taken out by a Bravo sniper. While his body is being dragged away, Court and Matt get off the horses and snuggle on the embankment. “You could just sit here forever,” Matt says. “Yeah,” Court answers. Profound.
You walk past the Funyuns to get to your table. Married man Jody Dean is taking his girlfriend to a gas station to eat dinner. Yeah, yeah, Tara claims to find out at the end of the episode that Jody is still married, but didn’t we know this all along? Anyway, Jody has heard about this “five-star” restaurant that’s in the back of a Conoco station. Tara is less than pleased. “Like, you could honestly be serial killing me right now,” she says. “Like, I don’t know where we are.”
And it goes on like that for the remainder of the segment. “I mean, should we fill up while we’re at dinner?” she asks. “I’m so in shock that Jody would take me to a place where I can check my lube and get a paella at the same time,” she says. “Jody is eating escargot underneath a beer sign,” she sighs. She does it in voiceover: “I never in a trillion years would have thought that I would be eating in a gas station.” She does it in third person: “Jody’s got some moxie to take Tara Harper to a gas station on a Saturday night to eat!”
Later, after she is able to overcome the shock of eating in a gas station, Tara professes her love for her married boyfriend. It should be noted that Jody is not bad for being a married person who dates. He’s bad for being a married person who dates while wearing a Temple Grandin jacket and shark’s tooth necklace. And this is why sympathy for Tara Harper is difficult to come by.
Everything is so bright and shiny in Dallas. Okay, people, let’s get this over with. Bravo wanted a love story, and Matt and Court want to be stars. After burying Cowboy Chad, Matt puts on a long-sleeve black tee, and Court dons a sleeveless dress for their big scene at the campfire. They make s’mores and lick remnants off each other’s faces. And I think we’re supposed to get a Nine 1/2 Weeks feel from all this, but we do not.
Impatient, the Bravo producers call for the fireworks, and Matt pulls Courtney on his lap. And it’s awkward, right? He looks like he’s in pain. She looks like she’s in need of a rape whistle. It’s just not working. So after conferring with lake house director Craig, and confirming that he has indeed fired up the hot tubs, the production changes location. It’s time for the money shot!
Once everyone is on the proper mark, the scene begins. “It’s been a good day,” Court says. “The best day,” Matt answers. They look deeply into each other’s eyes, and Matt’s lizard tongue darts into Court’s mouth.
And then it ends.
“No matter what ends up happening with this…” Matt rambles.
“I’m never going to the lake ever again…” Court slurs.
“There’s never been a woman in my life that makes me as happy as you,” Matt continues.
“That would never happen in Dallas! What happens at the lake stays at the lake,” Court screams. “It’s like Vegas!”
“Who are you yelling at?” Matt asks, genuinely concerned.
“The stars,” she answers.
Finally, the couple dons their robes. Is it time for crazy sex party in the room? Thank God, no. Matt walks Court to her door, slams her against the door (you, sir, are no Mickey Rourke), places his hand on her neck, and kills her. What a twist! It was all very sad.
Not really. They kiss, and Court enters her room and laughs her head off. For my money, it was the most genuine scene all season.
I want to get out there. The gang is convening one last time before the men enlist in the army and do something productive with their lives. The last meal takes place at Eddie V’s, and everyone but Neill is there. When the subject of Possum Kingdom comes up, Matt is a man of mystery. “Are you as exhausted as I am?” Matt—in long-sleeve black t-shirt once again—moans. Matt is the guy in high school who, through innuendo and vagaries, ruined girls’ reputations even though nothing happened.
While Tara talks once again about eating at a place where you “could get a 40 and change your oil and order food” and Daylon moans that he and Drew were supposed to race Ferraris the day before but couldn’t because of the “stupid weather,” Glenn has had enough. He informs the gang that he’s leaving the cult on the first flight out the next day. They seem sad for a second and quickly go back to talking over one another about themselves.
It is what it is. We’re almost there, people. We end at LaGrange, where Kitty LaLa is having its first Dallas debut and Neill is ready to “kill it.” Her band is in agreement. “All we gotta do is go out and rock,” supporting cast mate number 2 says.
While the gang awaits Kitty LaLa to take the stage, Court, Tara, Drew, and Daylon head outside to talk about what exactly—and who—went down at Possum Kingdom.
“You have to cut the sh*t. What happened?” Daylon asks.
“What happened when you left?” Tara wants to know.
And then out of nowhere it happens. Gregg Asher pops into view. “Tell me more, tell me more! Like does he have a car?”
“A Lexus SUV, actually.” Courtney answers.
“He sounds like a drag,” Cowboy Chad says from the grave.
Shoo-bop-bop, shoo bop-bop, shoo bop-bop,” everyone sings until it’s time for Neill.
And then Neill gets to sing for 10 seconds, Tara gets to call and wake up her married boyfriend, Drew gets to talk about himself, Glenn gets to make a clean getaway, and Court and Matt get to pretend they are thinking about considering to date.
And it’s all finally over.
As for Watch What Happens, I have but three things to say:
1. The show was rather perfectly sponsored by Summer’s Eve.
2. Court and Matt did not impress Andy. Court offered up a kiss, and Andy said, “No thanks.” He also grimaced when Court and Matt identified Rick Perry as “hot.”
3. Court needs to lay off the Chard, and Matt needs to lay off the name dropping before someone gets hurt.
Goodbye, my friends.
