Episode 10 of Style Network’s Big Rich Texas was one of those finales that left us feeling empty. Not like the abrupt ending of The Sopranos that had the entire country thinking the cable went out, or the season of Dallas that ended without revealing who shot JR. It was more like a longing to retrieve the 10 hours we know we’ll never get back.
Last week, Connie was about to go on vacay to Seattle, Leslie’s hometown. Pamela encouraged Connie to spend the time she would be visiting with extended family, to investigate Leslie’s claims of wealth and property ownership- something she could have done from home with an Internet connection. But Connie agreed and, like Agent P on a mission, she jumped into some portal and disappeared.
The season finale begins at Leslie’s new place. It’s the largest structure I’ve ever seen that didn’t also have a Chick-fil-A or a craps table. Kalyn, having just recently moved from a mobile home, is having trouble finding her way around but ran across an elevator which was helpful.
Leslie is busy planning a big housewarming party and tells us that she’s even invited Duarte, “Maybe she’ll finally shut up about my finances.”
Leslie reminisces with Kalyn about the time they’ve spent pretending to live in Texas and being active members of Woodhaven Country Club, “Think about when we first got here, we didn’t know anybody except my cousin Connie.”
Les, technically you really didn’t know her either. And if you include Ignacio, Louis Scoma, and the golf pro, you still know less than a dozen people in the entire state but if you’re happy, we’re happy.
Thanks to having only sniffed food for weeks, Mel is super skinny and has been offered a modeling gig for some big catalogue. They want her to travel for three weeks and while she’s flattered, she’s not sure she can leave her daughter for that long. So thanks to Maddie, Melissa has been starving herself for nothing. She tells her agent she’ll think about it but I have a hunch she bought a gallon of Blue Bell on her way home.
Back to Leslie’s mansion where she and Tyler are lounging on a terrace overlooking a pool and a lake while they discuss what Tyler will do next. He tells her he’ll be returning to his home in Washington.
Leslie lets us in on some private business, “It’s been almost 3 years since my husband died and his estate has not been settled yet. Tyler and his 2 brothers are going to inherit quite a bit of money and they’ll be set pretty much for life.” So once Leslie was finished alerting every gold digging chick in America that her kid is about to be loaded, she drilled him on his relationship with Whitney.
Leslie: What about Whitney?
Tyler: I don’t know.
Leslie: Have you asked her if she would like to go with you [to Washington]?
Leslie: What’ll you guys do if you’re separated?
Tyler: [Blank stare]
Leslie: Are you guys staying together?
Tyler: That’s kind of a big question. I don’t know.
Leslie: You need to start your life, you’re 20 years old.
Um, Les? You suppose he’s returning to Washington because you’re driving him batty with the interrogations and trying to marry him off before he can legally drink or experience life with a ton of money and no commitments? Think about that while we check in on your BFF, Pamela.
Far away, in an undesirable area of Fort Worth and in a building probably smaller than Leslie’s house, Pam has been summoned to meet with Louis Scoma, the owner of Woodhaven Country Club. He tells Pamela that the club will undergo a five to ten million dollar renovation and he’s offering some ownership opportunities to members who wish to fund some of the cost, “So if that fits within your portfolio, we would like to consider that.”
Portfolio? I think we’ve seen evidence of her portfolio and unless you need a tacky knight, some Greek statues or a black and gold floral sofa, you’re out of luck, Louis.
And Scoma, I’ve never raised capital for a big construction project but I think before you start approaching investors, you’re supposed to have a little drawing of what you envision and a ballpark figure with a less than 5 million dollar degree of uncertainty. But I could be wrong.
Anyway Pamela tells him, “Are you freaking kidding, I don’t have that kind of money, have you seen my living room? I’ll be happy to look at it and see if it makes sense.”
As Pam is leaving the meeting, she sees Hannah, Whitney and Tyler having lunch. She stops by, mentions something about this being the “slacker table” and after learning that Tyler plans to return to Seattle, she gives him a pop quiz.
Pam: What’s the name of that country club in Seattle that Bill Gates belongs to?
Tyler: The Bellvue Athletic Club.
Pam: Where do you live?
Pam: How interesting, what street?
Tyler: Bellvue Way. Are you gonna come find me at my house or something?
Pam: I might come lookin’ for you, ya never know.
Pam, what street do you live on? How much was your house? What? Really, you’re venting on the couch again?
Pam: I’m really tired of being lied to. Just say who you are, tell it like it is, fess up to whatever it is you have goin’ on.
If by “just say who you are” you mean “how much money do you have” then we’re all on the same page. Duarte, when will you be providing us documentation of who you are- you know, financially?
Next we’re in the spare bedroom at Pamela’s house at Pamela’s International Headquarters where she and Hannah display more stalker-like tendencies. After receiving the invite to Leslie’s party, they look up aerial views of the property online.
Pamela tells us that there are professional athletes living in that neighborhood and, “not a lot of pageant coaches.” She goes on to teach Hannah that it’s the inside that counts, “Look at her clothes, look at her bag, look at her shoes.”
Cut to Bonnie and Whitney discussing the Tyler situation. Whit says he hasn’t asked her to move to Seattle with him but, if he does, she’s going. Bon is clearly upset, “I had you for a reason, I wanted a best friend.” Enough, Bonnie. En. Uff.
Scoma must have realized Pamela isn’t rich so he approached Leslie and gave her the club renovation spiel, asking her for a minimum investment of $500,000. I’m sure in hindsight he wished he’d given her a piece of paper and asked her to circle one of the following choices:
Because then he wouldn’t have had to sit through her monologue, “I’ve mostly invested in real estate. I have two homes besides here now. One is in Bellvue, Washington, like, my neighbor is Bill Gates, he lives down the street from me. He’s like the nicest guy. I see him at the gas station. And he and his wife, I see them at the club all the time. It’s kind of a small community of billionaires.”
Then finally she answers the freaking question, “It’s a little different than what I’ve invested in before but I like it a lot and the number is not a problem.”
Back in Plano, Major Monogram Pamela gets a very important Skype call from Perry Connie who is reporting on the status of her investigation into Leslie’s finances, “I need a manicure from all the dirt I just dug up.”
Oh great, tell us everything. Connie delivers the news, “I’m not even sure she’s my cousin.”
OK, Conn, we meant, tell us something we didn’t already know. So she’s not technically your distant cousin by marriage, what else do you have? Connie tells Pam, “I’m going to be talking to some relatives later and I’m going to be getting some more answers.”
Good detective work, Connie.
Over at Leslie’s mansion, guests are impressed. But Melissa corners Bonnie and gives her the shakedown about Leslie’s finances, “I just want to make sure she’s all who she says she is.”
Hmmm, I see, Mel. I totally get why you’d want to make sure Leslie is rich. I mean, never mind that she helped you with the modeling thing and has always been kind to you, proof of wealth is what really counts.
Hey, don’t you live in an apartment furnished by Cantoni? Not that it matters, I just want to make sure I know who you are.
Tyler is having a good time chillin’ at the party, the perfect opportunity for Whitney to drag him away and talk to him like a dog, “Sit.”
Whit: So what’s the deal with us?
Ty: You’re cute.
Whit: What’s gonna happen when you go back to Seattle? Like what’s going to happen with us?
Ty: Well, I think we’ll still be together. I’ll just be…gone.
Whit: So you’re just going up there by yourself? (I’m pretty sure that’s what he said, Whit.)
Ty: I don’t know. I just have some unfinished business I have to take care of.
Whit: And there’s no way for me to go with you? (Congrats, you just took the entire female race down a notch.)
Ty: Seems like it’s been happening kind of fast.
Whit: Fast? (Yes, he said fast. F.A.S.T. This is getting pathetic, please stop before he calls the police.)
Then, like an adult ready to move across the country for a guy who clearly doesn’t want her there, she stomps off hoping he’ll follow as she’s trained him to do. Want a treat, Ty, want a bone? Come on, boy.
Elsewhere in the mansion, Melissa meets Leslie’s realtor, Kelly, who should be fired immediately. Kelly tells Melissa, as if it’s any of her business, that Leslie is renting the mansion. Melissa knows this is proof that Leslie is a bad person so she grabs Kelly by the arm and leads her to Major Monogram without delay.
Wait, Mel, do you OWN your apartment?
Melissa says to Pam: She needs to tell you something. It’s juicy and good.
Pam: We’re all about juicy.
Kelly the realtor from Hell: We’ve been looking at all these homes but we’re doing a lease.
Pam sees the beauty in all of this and tells us, “I can’t wait to see Bonnie’s face when she finds out her new bestie is a big fat liar. For being so smart, Bonnie sure is stupid sometimes.”
Bonnie is stupid because she didn’t ask for a copy of the mortgage documents before being a friend to Leslie? Pam, you’re friends with Melissa, do you have a copy of her lease closing docs?
Pam and Melissa bolt over to Bonnie to tell her the sad news.
Pam: We’re really worried about you. (She’s not that stupid, Duarte.)
Melissa: She’s leasing this place month-to-month.
Pam: We’re really convinced she’s some kind of an imposter.
Bonnie: I trust her and I really like her a lot.
Leslie approaches and Pamela lets her know she’s the topic of conversation. Leslie acknowledges that she has a lease option on the house and this somehow leads to Pam saying, “How about I say f***-off.”
Pam tells Leslie that she’s leaving and yells back across the crowd from the entry steps, “Don’t swallow your fake eyelashes.”
Pam, that was dumb. If we’d seen Leslie licking her eyeballs or something, then your insult would have been hysterical. It has to be based on something. For example if the party were at your house, I could say to you, “Hey Pam, don’t trip on those cheap statues.” Or maybe tonight I could say, “Leslie, these flowers are gorgeous, did Ignacio do them?”
Anyway, before Pam is able to reach the door, Leslie calls for the crowd’s attention and makes an announcement that echoes off the rented vaulted ceilings, “I bought into the club, I’m officially a partner and you know what? There’s a new sheriff in town. Cheers.” The guests drink to that.
And so did the rest of America.
Filming for season 2 is scheduled to begin this month. There’s no word yet on the new cast additions but rumor has it that Linda and Candace Flynn are being considered.