Episode 2 of Logo TV’s A-List Dallas begins with a brainstorming session for a ginormous party that Chase is throwing. He’s asked gal-pal Ashley to help him get creative. She instantly throws out an incredibly unique idea, “Like a big dance theme.”
I’m pretty sure you could patent that, Ashley.
They fine tune the brilliance and decide on a Footloose theme. Chase is so impressed, “No one will expect that.” Really? Because the remake just hit big screens which makes me think there are Footloose paper goods at Party City.
But Chase is so happy he praises Ashley, “You have two extra brains in your boobs, that’s why you came up with such a big idea.” But Ashley must be hiding brains in more places than that because she’s not done yet, “We could do a flash-mob.”
Then, as if part of a script or something, the two break into a few painfully synchronized dance moves. Which we would have embraced had we known the content of the next scene.
Taylor, the Republican, Christian, gay arrives for laser hair removal and tells the technician he wants the full monty, “From my chest all the way down to my pubes.” Raise your hand if you wish you hadn’t read that sentence.
Before the procedure begins he’s asked to slip on some protective eyewear. After confirming the glasses are Prada, he braces for the pain to be inflicted on areas that are blurred so as not to burn the retinas of innocent viewers.
Levi, you are beautiful.
Ashley has asked Levi to meet with her because, for some inexplicable reason, Ashley is in charge of these guys and Levi has the duty to convince her that he is truly interested in Taylor. He begins by providing examples of how he knew they were in a long term, committed relationship before breaking up last year, “We dated for like 2 months, we did a lot of stuff together. We took the dog for walks and had brunch every Saturday.”
OK, wait a minute, last week you said y’all lived together. And now we find out the whole thing, start to finish, was only two months total? And your most compelling evidence of how close you were is 8 brunches? Levi?
Next Chase is meeting with the event planner, Donnie. So obviously Ashley is present. Don starts with the basics.
Q: Event location?
A: Ilume on Cedar Springs.
Q: Will there be any straight men there? (This is an actual question that an event planner asks?
But before Chase can answer, Ashley takes over, “Straight men rain on my parade. They bug me.” Hey Ash, isn’t your lawfully wedded husband straight? Where is he anyway?
Ashley makes sure Don is aware that she is coordinating a flash-mob and that she has it under control. Chase seems uneasy with this part.
As the party planning ends, Chase tells Ashley, “It’s like we’re getting married and trying to plan our wedding.” Yeah, totally, except for she’s already married and you’re gay.
Next Phillip and Levi are backpacking. In Dallas. They take a break in the shade and Phillip pops open a few beers, “I came prepared, girl.” Again, someone explain this. While gay, he’s still a male. Why do we keep referring to each other as “girl” and “queen” and the like?
Phillip takes the opp to tell Levi he has plans for a pedicure later in the day and then launches into heavier discussion about his mom and her denial of his sexual orientation. Levi is Ok with some deep backpacking convo and shares that he came out at age 16 and his familial experience is comfortable overall.
Next up, James. While he waits for Chase at Dream Café he pulls out a bottle of liquor and spikes his drink. Chase arrives and gets right to the point- James’ drinking is out of control. Not that he’s worried about James, he’s just concerned James will screw up the Footloose extravaganza and warns, “I’ll kick you out.”
James is perturbed and counter-warns that he better not be the only one getting this spiel. No, James, only the ones displaying a consistent tendency to drink themselves to oblivion and ruin parties. So he’s talking to you and, well, just you.
Next, more Footloose prep. Chase takes Ashley along to the menu tasting which can only be compared to letting a toddler alter your wedding gown. I guess she was looking for a veggie tray with a crockpot of Velveeta. With the chef looking on, she spits out hors d’oeuvres and sniffs a few selections with a wrinkled nose. Something tells me Ashley only eats at drive-thru chains when she’s not chasin’ moon pies with a Fresca.
Ash, you make me crave therapy. But no! Not with Phillip!
Too late. Alicia the counselor is deep in session with Phillip. He’s talking about his mom and how he’s been afraid to be himself. He claims this is the reason he hasn’t had a partner in more than 5 years. Phil, without the PhD necessary to analyze this with 100% validity, I feel confident saying that your mom is not the problem. Have you considered that it’s because you’re totally annoying?
But something clicks and Phillip agrees, “I just need to get my big girl panties on.” Again with the “girl” thing. You. Are. A. Guy. Gay or not, you’re male.
Next, we’re at a picnic where Levi and Taylor embrace a moment alone with some grapes and a bottle of wine. They have a convo about things going too fast before and agree to keep this second try on the down-low. Good luck with that, girls guys.
Back to Ashley, because it’s all about her. She’s at a studio for flash mob practice with a handful of anonymous dancers. None of them know the routine she’s choreographed and Ashley is stressed out as her big night the party is less than 24 hours away.
Phillip, who is that? He introduces us to “Lay-oh.” You’re such a valley girl Phillip, it’s Leo.
What first drew Phillip to Lay-oh? I mean, besides him being a “sexy-mexi.” It was the Burberry swimsuit Leo was wearing the night they met. And I have to agree, a crisp signature plaid always makes a first impression complete.
Over at Ilume, Chase is meeting Donnie to go over last minute venue details. So of course, Ashley is there to run things. Ashley, go home to your husband. And put on some clothes.
Don is explaining how he envisions the flow of party traffic. Looks good to the host, the one paying the bill, but Ashley seems irritated, “My dancers need more space.” After some questions in an effort to accommodate, the host and planner realize Ashley only has 12 dancers.
Donnie clears things up, “That’s not a flash-mob. That’s a performance.” She then acknowledges that it’s “flash-mob style.”
She gets flippy, bordering on hysterical, and claims, “You’re stepping all over me and telling me what kind of style my dance is and everything.”
Cut to her private interview, “You don’t get to tell me where my dancers go. You go ahead Donnie, you take over the show, you dance.”
See that’s precisely the issue, Ash. It’s not a show. No one needs to dance for the guests. Otherwise, I’m sure Don would be happy to fill in.
Back to the venue where Ashley is still in a panic, “Do you even want the dance? Are you thankful and appreciative?” She stomps off, probably even tired of listening to herself.
It’s the night of Ashley’s Chase’s big party. Arriving in a rented white car of some sort, Ashley steps out looking like a 12 year old wearing an off-the-rack dress (I’m guessing Kohl’s) inspired by a mash-up of Cinderella and Hello-Kitty. Chase is looking cute, wearing a statement scarf with his hair styled a bit like Ducky from Pretty in Pink. James is going for the mafia look with his black suit and pink tie- smokin’ a cig.
Thank goodness for friends with class. Taylor, though dancing on a table, is sportin’ an adorable bowtie. And my beautiful Levi is precious in Penguin.
James is ready. He pushes his sleeves up and does a little impromptu bartending, serving shots that runneth over. Everyone around him is having a blast so Phillip does the math, “James Doyle equals hot mess.”
Phillip, I’ve got an equation for you: X=0. Phillip Willis + X = great big buzz kill. Solve that and leave James alone.
But Phillip runs to Chase and reports James’ activity behind the bar. Chase decides to blow it off like a grown up but Phillip argues the point, “If you don’t get mad, there won’t be enough chaos to satisfy my need for intense drama.” “What like the bartenders aren’t doing their job?”
Taylor sums it up perfectly and wins the award for best line of the night, “Phillip is like your neighbor’s dog, it never shuts up.”
Suddenly a Kenny Logins tune fills the air and Ashley starts to dance. Her carefully choreographed performance was designed to allow each guest ample time to worship her from every angle.
Look, Ashley, I don’t mean to pick on you, you’re a cutie but you’re also a bigger narcissist than Phillip, how’s that even possible?
Taylor, like the rest of America, is fed up with Phillip’s yappin’. So I applaud his decision to accidentally on purpose back into Phillip who is standing at the edge of the pool. Sadly, as with all good party assassinations, there was an inadvertent casualty, Levi. Chase watched in horror as Levi and Phillip pulled themselves out of the pool, “My party went from flash-mob to splash-mob.”
Chase, technically it wasn’t a flash-mob and if you’re going to throw a party with a pool in the center of it, expect a splash-mob. I’m only sad someone didn’t push Ashley in so we could see her without the West Texas curls. And Levi, Sweetheart, you’re hot even when you’re wet.
So while Taylor should have received the nightclub equivalent to a purple heart for his act of courage, he was unfairly booted from the party. This left cameramen no choice but to zoom in on Phillip running around shouting, “Where are my Salvatores?”
OMG! Phillip, Shut. Up. Just when I think Ashley is more annoying, you jump ahead like Seabiscuit.
Phillip declares, “This is not over.” And we’re left hanging until episode 3.