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Television

Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Six Recap

Bravo calls this week's episode of Most Eligible Dallas, "Friendly as Fire Ants." Nice try. We know the truth. It's "See You Next Tuesday (Or Thursday if That's More Convenient)."
By Laura Kostelny |
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Bravo calls this week’s episode of Most Eligible Dallas, “Friendly as Fire Ants.” Nice try. We know the truth. It’s “See You Next Tuesday (Or Thursday if That’s More Convenient).” I obviously spelled it out because I don’t want to get fired, but yeah. Drew drops the “c” bomb. Tara cleans up poop. Matt fights Melinda Gates for the “Biggest Philanthropist” award. Let’s just get this over with.

This is, like, major. We’re not talking about Maje here, folks. We refer, of course, to “Elliott,” the adorable dog played by Emmy-nominated dog actor Spot. Elliott is undergoing “full on surgery” because he had “like, worms in his heart.” (Forgive the medical jargon.) Tara and Daylon are in the waiting room, holding vigil. Luckily, the major surgery goes well, and a few minutes later, Elliott bolts and hits all of his marks on his way out stage left.

I, literally, am exhausted by the sun. Glenn’s ex Rebecca is still in town, and from the looks of things (the back of her head, an exposed boob, and the chugging of Gatorade), the Bravo cameras busted in directly after a little game of Seven Minutes in Heaven on the rooftop. But it’s not all fun and games at the attic apartment. Glenn is troubled. He’s worried that someone is going to sweep Rebecca off her feet in San Francisco. He’s concerned that someone is going to “steal” her. He’s so confused that he forgets where he’s from. “Dallas guys are always true gentlemen,” he says. (He’s from Michigan, so unless he’s trying to set Rebecca up with a Dallas guy, we’re confused, too.) But he’s most perplexed by what happened on that roof. “Did I go from Caucasian to Hispanic to Black?” he asks.

Divulsion of the soul hasn’t happened. The Bravo producers clearly had a talk with Drew about his inability to effectively fight/create drama with Courtney. They sent him to the Bravo Boot Camp led by Jill Zarin. (She has plenty of time these days.) So when he arrives at the Post apartments for a little dinner party including Number One Gay Daylon, Court, and Tara, he surveys the room for a target. Does he make fun of the ridiculous shark jaw necklace that Court is rocking? Too easy. Does he tell Court that the side braid is over? Too mean. He opts to torture everyone with second-hand smoke. Insidious!

But he’s not done. While waxing on about wanting to tell an ex boyfriend that he still has feelings for him, the conversation “naturally” turns to the four-year, on-again, off-again relationship of Glenn and Rebecca. “There is a lot to that relationship,” Tara opines. (“There so is, babe,” Glenn tells Rebecca as they watch the show together. “I know, babe,” she answers.) But Courtney isn’t so sure. “I think it’s bull crap when people stay friends with their exes,” she says.  Then she quotes the old adage, “You’re supposed to break up before summertime, not get in a relationship.”

Later, she gets really worked up, talking over everyone. “Four years! That’s long enough for a Leap year … Oh my God, I’m going to vomit,” she slurs. In fairness, the Chard might have been hurting her tummy, but Drew has had enough. “Shut up, and stop being a b*tch for a second, and let me finish,” he says.

After getting a high-five from the Bravo camera crew, he returns to the scene. Court is speaking. And speaking. And speaking. And speaking. And then Drew drops his bomb: “Okay, then why are you a two-faced C WORD?” But he doesn’t say “c-word,” guys. He says the real deal, deflating the hopes and dreams of the Bravo crew. They have to stop production and call Andy Cohen, who says, “He said WHAT?” Drew is then forced to apologize and leave directly (Intervention style) for another session at Bravo Boot Camp,

We’re gonna model, and our dogs are gonna model. Executive vice president of factories Tara has seen her business-lady duties expand. She’s now the executive in charge of removing poop from her mom’s Oriental rug. (I guess the maid quit after she was forced to cook for the dog in Episode One.) Once the doodie duty is dispensed with, she’s able to join special guest stars Angie Barrett, Gregg Asher, and Amber Venz in the parlour. In addition to (presumably) designing shark jaw necklaces, Amber has designed a line of jewelry for dogs. You know what that means! In the words of Kelly Kapoor: “Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!“Angie is excited that she and Grace Kelley will both be rocking pearls on the runway. Amber is just excited about being on-camera. Tara is excited about over-sharing about her weird relationship with her pup. “This is her Pretty Woman moment,” she says of her dog. “And I kind of think that makes me, like, Richard Gere.” And Gregg? What’s going on with Gregg? Is he sick this season? He doesn’t seem to be able to breathe with his mouth closed.

Hey, when I’m doing charity work, I could care less what anyone says, bro. Matt knows that there’s more to life than being a tan, busy businessman and lady killer. He wants to give back. He plans a little gathering to let the gang know how philanthropic and giving and benevolent and altruistic he is today. Tara is hopeful. “I think that if Matt’s passion for girls translates into charity, it’ll be really successful.” Court orders a Chard. Only Drew, back from camp, has reservations. He tells Matt that he’s getting daily calls from people who think that Matt is a d-bag and not really as philanthropic and giving and benevolent and altruistic as he’s telling people he is.

I have such mixed feelings about this double date. Matt suggests that he and Court go on a double date. No guys! Not as a couple! They’re saving that for the season finale! No, they will each bring a date—he’ll bring Neill, and Court can bring her South African friend Mark. Court has reservations but agrees.

You guys, how cute is Maje? He’s so cute. And wasn’t it great to see that, in addition to altruistic philanthropist, busy businessman, incredible athlete, tannest tanner, Matt can add “great with kids” to his resume? He dazzles Maje with great conversation like, “Is that your dinner table over there? Is that where you guys eat?” Maje rolls his eyes and asks Neill, “Really? The singing career is that important?” and storms out.

But Neill has made her deal with the devil and she’s already dressed in a stonewashed denim miniskirt, so the show must go on. She and Matt meet Courtney and Mark at Tillman’s Corner, wherein Matt drops so many names that many of the waiters are seriously injured while working the table. He’s best friends with Nelson Mandela’s grandson! He’s best friends with Jimmy Johnson! He never goes to NASCAR without a helicopter! He has a lake house!

Lending your name to something in Dallas is a big deal. Matt has set up a tasting in preparation for his charity debut. Clad in a child-size-small black t-shirt, he’s ready to “make a name” for himself in the Dallas charity world. Court for one is impressed. “I’ve never seen Matt be this charitable before,” she says. “That’s the part of Matt I’ve been waiting for forever.”

But Drew isn’t ready to write a check just yet. He asks Matt about how much time he has devoted to this cause. He questions Matt’s motives. He wonders if this sudden altruism is caused by a need to rehab his image. Ultimately, after some meditation, Drew says he can’t lend his name to this charade.

Philanthropist Matt reacts with dignity. “Fill up on some more wine if you like,” he tells Drew. The problem? Drew is in recovery, and this is the second time Matt has offered him a drink. And also the bar is closed. So it wasn’t a very nice thing to say.

There’s dogs everywhere. To show Drew up, philanthropist Matt gave all of his clothes to charity. How else to explain the reappearance of the child-size-small black t-shirt when he arrives at Angie Barrett’s apartment the next day? It’s the day of the “Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch,” and the apartment is crazy with jewelry, dog jewelry, people, and dogs.

Maybe it’s the energy in the apartment. Perhaps it’s the child-size-small black t-shirt. Could be how tense things get when Drew shows up. Who knows? Whatever it is, Matt starts to feel bad about the bad thing he did. He takes Drew aside and blames everything on his faulty memory. “Me not remembering and continuing to bring [drinking] up—even though I don’t mean to—is not right,” he says.

It’s Drew’s chance. He could destroy Matt right here. He could mock the lame apology. He could blast his lack of empathy. He could make fun of his philanthropic passing fancy. He could even say something snotty about how much his family gives to charities on a daily basis. It’s our chance to see if the boot camp has finally paid off.

“It would be like [me saying], ‘Hey, Matt, do you want to suck c*ck?’ ” he says.

Bravo execs are called once again, and Jill Zarin herself gets on a plane to round Drew up for a third stint at camp. Matt says, “Fair enough,” and walks away high-fiving himself.

I feel like I just shook the hand of Mother Theresa. Before the gang heads to the Granada for a concert, they pre-party in Glenn’s attic apartment. Courtney is particularly excited about the Chard. She’s also delighted to meet Rebecca, even though she was trashing her relationship only a few days before. “I feel like I should give her a high five or the Nobel Peace Prize, frankly,” Court says.

After a mad search for some pants—or even the dreadful stone-washed mini—Neill gives up and opts for a pair of nautical hot pants. Then she and Matt are off to the Granada to meet the gang for a super fun jam party. They drink. They dance. Some people kiss. Other people (like Courtney) pout and prepare for the upcoming “jealous jilted bestie” scene. And finally, the show is over—both the rock show and this terrible thing we’re watching—so it’s time for the Matt and Court segment of the hour.

Court: I want to go home.

Matt: Go home then.

Court: I am.

Matt: Obviously.

And that’s enough of all that. Now I’m off to go take a shower and read a book and try to undo some of the damage this show has done. I suggest you do the same.

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