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Most Eligible Dallas: Episode Five Recap

After a week of respite, Most Eligible Dallas is back, and I'm sorry to report that the gang is up to their same old tricks.
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After a week of respite, Most Eligible Dallas is back, and I’m sorry to report that the gang is up to their same old tricks. Is it too much to ask for Bravo to use some of the editors from the Real Housewives franchise? We need a team who knows how reality television works, because this show is an affront. It’s boring. There’s no real conflict. There’s no sex. There’s no humor. There’s nothing. Viewers aren’t outraged by this show; we’re merely exhausted by it. But we started this journey, so let’s get down to business. Bravo calls this week’s insult to intelligence “Getting to Know You.” I call it “The Setup” because everything that happens this week—including the romantic setups—is contrived and fabricated and manufactured by the high school interns Bravo tasked with this show. Let’s battle our way through them together, shall we?

1. Fight Club. DIFFA continues to rage on, and, likewise, Drew continues to rage on Courtney. If you’ll remember, she has made Daylon her Number One Gay, and Drew is not having any of it. There’s only room for one star on this show, and it’s Drew! He’s going to let Courtney have it! He’s going to tell her what’s what!

“I’m sorry if I might be real,” sincere, sober Drew says. “And I might be boring. And I’m not funny enough for you…But that’s the way God made me.”

You can almost hear the Bravo camera people sigh in despair. You can be sure someone in production jotted down, “Reminder: this is why we don’t employ people who don’t drink.” Even though Drew’s yes-man gives him props on his performance (“You did an amazing job. You were great,” he says. “For real real. Not for play play. For real real.”), the Fight Scene is a bust.

Unwilling to give up, Bravo sets up a breakfast shoot at Breadwinners. Courtney gets there first and orders up her Chardonnay while she awaits the arrival of Drew. He shows, complains about traffic, fires up a smoke, talks about why he’s angry, and then things get interesting. I don’t know if it’s the Chard or the secondhand smoke, but Court starts enunciating strangely. And then she becomes British. “In Dallas—in a city that does charity work all the time…And I didn’t realize this was as grand to you as it was… If I’d known this, perhaps I would have…Bob’s your uncle!…Bloody hell!…And I’m terribly sorry…Chimchiminee!” The duo makes peace, and Courtney scoops up her glass of Chard, hooks arms with chimney sweep Burt, and pops into a chalk drawing.

2. Working Girl. Next, we tour the headquarters of a multinational electronics business, which apparently is located on the second floor in a home somewhere in Preston Hollow. Vice president of sales—and busy business lady— Tara and her brother are meeting to discuss pressing matters. It seems Neiman Marcus could go out of business if they don’t get more of the bling iPod cases right this very minute! That settled, the execs move on to the next emergency: government problems. “The government isn’t giving our factories power,” Tara explains. I’m not going to lie. I see this coming when I notice that the vice president of sales for an electronics company is rocking a PC from 1988. But it seems to be a surprise to Tara. She begins speaking in tongues. “Grazi! Oy Vey! Hola!” she exclaims.

Upon hearing his cue, Drew enters from stage left. He comes bearing gifts—an Ed Hardy tent that dates back to when he was fat and straight. Thoughts of the factories and the mean old government go by the wayside. “What about going and stealing a dog?” Tara asks. It seems that Tara has had her eye on a dog for the last year that might require rescue. “How the hell are you going to steal a dog, Columbo?” Drew asks. (Note to Drew: Columbo was a police detective, not a thief. A better character name to use would have been Alexander Mundy from the old television show It Takes a Thief.) Despite the mission being “borderline insanity,” Drew agrees to leave the electronics company headquarters and head for the “ghetto.”

After a brief drive, the twosome arrive on the set of Hoarders. Tara knocks on the door, and surprise! No one answers. In the meantime, after much thought, Drew coins the heist “Operation Beaver Snatch” and proclaims that “this is breaking the law at its finest.”

And it is, if breaking the law at its finest means bolt cutting a lock, opening a gate, and “saving” a remarkably healthy-looking, mange-free dog named Elliott who all but winks at the camera. We also see London, we see France, and we see Drew’s underpants. Get a belt, sir!

3. Love Story. Although DIFFA raises money for a great cause, it sure does bring out the worst in our eligible gang. Take Matt. He’s angry. Despite putting himself “out there” and asking Neill if she wants to attend the event together (after Courtney turned him down, by the way), she has the audacity to speak to castmate Glenn. And that’s just “disrespectful.” Matt retrieves her and says, “We’re out of here.” On the way out, he says, “Just don’t be my fu**ing date if you’re gonna do your thing.”

“To her credit, Neill responds, “Don’t cuss at me like that!”

“I don’t want to hold you up, man. Do your thing. Walk out with Glenn,” he says. (Note: women love it when dudes refer to them as “man.” That Matt is one smooth character.)

Once in the car, Matt begins to apologize, and by the time he drops Neill off at the school/office building where she and Maje are squatting (seriously—I hope someone remembered to disable  the fire alarm), all is forgiven. The two make out. Matt touches her neck, considers strangling her, but then thinks better of it.

Lucky for us! Because we’re treated to an incredibly romantic hamburger date at The Commissary, wherein John Tesar makes a special guest appearance, serving hamburgers and wine. Neill marvels at the french fries–she never has them. “That’s why I look like a little french fry,” she remarks. She also marvels at how great she is. “I always knew I’d be a really great mom, and I really am,” she says. (“Then why are you making John Tesar babysit me?” Maje snorts off camera.)

Matt is sold. “She’s like this rocker, and then she’s got the depth of a hunter,” he remarks. (“She so does!” Ted Nugent yells off camera.)

4. Urban Cowboy. Did you know that Billy Bob’s celebrated its 35th anniversary recently? Don’t worry. Judging from the poor attendance at the party, no one else did either. But even though socialites don’t hang out there as a rule, Tara agrees to head to Fort Worth with Jody Dean. In honor of the occasion, Jody has shaved his soul patch and donned the suit Kim wore on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills a few weeks ago. (A reviewer more clever than I compared it to a “Temple Grandlin outfit.”)

As if that’s not exciting enough, Courtney is coming to check things out. “I’m going to freaking Inspector Gadget Jody,” she says. I think she thinks this means that she’s going to give him the business. The problem: Courtney is dumb. “What are, like, your vices?” she asks. When Jody doesn’t answer right away, she starts listing things she likes–comfy high heels and the like. The woman doesn’t know what “vice” means.

Here’s the thing: Jody has had a lot of vices–the drinking. The women. So either he doesn’t know what “vice” means or …Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t know what it means because he answers, “My kids.” He doesn’t know, right?

5. Dumb and Dumber. Once upon a time, Glenn played for the Oakland Raiders. In his free time, he would attend festivals and fall in love with people named Rebecca. Unfortunately because he was cut from the Raiders and “wasn’t ready,” the two broke up. But guess what? Rebecca likes the idea of being on television, so she books passage on an airplane and heads to town.

Glenn picks up his lady at DFW. (Nice try, Bravo, showing us a shot of a Southwest flight.) Rebecca is a very blond lady–maybe an older Neill? “I brought you flowers,” Glenn says proudly. And it’s true. He’s brought roses. Two roses.

The two settle in for some deep conversation as soon as Glenn grabs her luggage.

Rebecca: Thank you, babe.

Glenn: You’re welcome, babe. You look beautiful, babe.

Rebecca: Thank you, babe.

Later, Glenn takes Rebecca on a romantic date to Dude Sweet Chocolate because “two of Rebecca’s main loves in life are chocolate and me.” They roll chocolate and hilarity ensues.

Rebecca: I like making big balls

Glenn: That’s what she said.

Even later still, Glenn’s wingman, the rooftop patio, makes an appearance, and things get deeper still.

Rebecca: You’re my best friend, babe.

Glenn: You’re MY best friend, babe.

Two things: Glenn is dating himself, and you might want to play a “babe” drinking game next week if Rebecca continues her special guest star turn.We all should!

6. Meet Me in St. Louis. Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding, ding went the bell. Zing, zing, zing went Courtney’s heartstrings when she went on a date boring as hell. We first encounter Courtney sitting on the side of the road rocking a side braid, a hat, a romper, a bathing suit top (?), and some black heels—which, judging from the time the camera devoted to them, might be a vice.

She calls Matt for moral support—signing off with an “I love you!—before her date Mark roars up in his bitchin’ Mustang. “I like your sunglasses,” she says of his Wayfarers. But she says it in a nice, casual way—not even hinting that she’s a professional. The two drag race on the mean streets of Uptown, grab a sixer of Stella, and head for the McKinney Avenue Trolley–you know, like you do.

“I’ve never been with an international guy,” Court says. Luckily, her British accent does not make a reapperance. She does attempt to mimic Mark’s accent, which is unfortunate, but he doesn’t run.

Before the trolley can lurch to the next stop (500 yards away), Court’s posse shows up. You see, she’s invited her two best friends on the date. Again, like you do. She has a good reason, though—”My girlfriends are the Supreme Court of dating,” she explains.

Luckily, Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg love to party. They get a big kick out of riding the trolley and even ride a mechanical bull at some terrible Uptown Bar later. Despite the example set by these two esteemed women, Courtney is hesitant. “My biggest issue with riding the bull is my issue with everything else in life—my hair. Let’s not mess up the side braid,” she says.

I can’t do this one anymore. Let’s just say she pretends to like Mark. She kisses him at the end of the date and tells him to call her.

7. Fake It Till You Make It. Let’s end this too-long recap with the most egregiously fake item: the Matt and Courtney relationship. We’re meant to believe that Matt dates three, four, even five women in a single night, and all that behavior like that might entail. Yet he has given his key to Courtney because she is his best friend? Listen, one of my best friends asked to borrow my laptop recently, and I made him swear on the life of his children that he wouldn’t look through my email, and my life is boring. So I don’t buy that this lady has a key to his house.

But let’s say he gave it to her to get his mail, water plants, adjust the crosses on the wall while he is on his many international business travels. It makes no sense that she would then just let herself in, light candles, and set up a romantic meal. (By the way, Courtney, if you’re looking for your muffler, you left it in Matt’s driveway.) The back-and-forth, the fake kiss, his sophomoric refusal to even use the word “date” for what he does with women, her definition of pillow talk… Well, it just makes me want to make like Matt’s hair and leave.

I’m sorry. Fingers crossed that next week will be less painful. I don’t have a lot of faith.