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Television

Big Rich Texas, Episode 1 Recap (07/17/11)

Style Network’s Big Rich Texas has been referred to as season 2 of the 2009 train wreck, Dallas Divas and Daughters. Big Rich follows 5 mother/daughter duos intended to represent Dallas’ most elite members of society.
By Merritt Patterson |
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Keep up with all the latest Big Rich Texasrecaps here.

Style Network’s Big Rich Texas has been referred to as season 2 of the 2009 train wreck Dallas Divas and Daughters. Big Rich follows five mother/daughter duos intended to represent Dallas’ most elite members of society. Four are newbies to the reality TV scene, and the other is Divas villain, Pamela Martin-Duarte, and her daughter, Hannah.

First we meet Leslie. Very pretty lady. She tells us that she has just relocated to Dallas from California (that explains the red Corvette) and that her cousin, Connie, is a member of one of the “most exclusive clubs here.”

In fact it seems she’s on her way to the club now. I got a little giddy thinking about that Vette rolling up to the Dallas Country Club. But instead Leslie pulled up to a place I’ve never seen. Woodhaven? I was born in Dallas, and I’ve never heard of it. I’ll Google that. Hmmm.

Leslie, you seem super sweet and all, but that club is in Fort Worth—not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying for the sake of clarity that it isn’t in Dallas.

For your convenience, a map of the greater DFW area.

Up next, Connie. She’s driving a golf cart around this Woodhaven telling us, “I mean, it is the social place of Dallas.” Again, it’s Fort Worth. Fort. Worth.

By the way, aren’t you the Connie that has kids that go to school with my kids. In Highland Park. Really far from Fort Worth. And totally close to the real most exclusive club in Dallas. Let me check. Yep, that’s you. At least according to the school directory, you live at [Street Name], #1, Dallas Texas 75205. Quite a long way from Woodhaven.

Since I don’t hang out in Fort Worth with the Dallas elite, I don’t understand how this works. I just think if you’re throwin’ down a huge pile of money on a club membership, you’d want to be able to drive there without checking traffic reports, programming the GPS, and stopping for gas on the way back.

Dr. Bonnie and her daughter Whitney

Anyway, at the exclusive Woodhaven, Connie carts Cousin Leslie off on a tour. They stop at the tennis courts, where they run into the other cast members. Almost like it was planned. They lean on the fence, and Connie points out Botox Bonnie, Melissa, and Plano resident Pamela Martin Duarte.

How far is Plano from Woodhaven?

Cut to that familiar reality television couch interview where Pamela tells us, “Basically, if you want to be a member of this club, you have to impress me.” She emphasized the “me” part with a two-handed self-point and her bottom teeth showing with her chin sticking out.

Kudos to Style Network. It had to be an epic battle to find a club willing to pimp itself out on national television with Duarte acting as the spokeswoman.

Back on the courts, Pamela and her friend Melissa (who reveals she recently joined the club to meet a man) are taking a lesson. Nearby, Bonnie and her daughter Whitney are taking instruction from a hottie tennis pro, Enrique.

Pamela gets really irritated by the laughter coming from Bonnie’s court and says, “They’re so obnoxious. They’re cursing, f-bombs all over the place.” Then she adds from memory, “There’s a no cursing code, I think section 305, page 4.”

Back on the couch Pamela continues, “Their behavior is totally unacceptable, and the club needs to raise its standards.”

Pamela, I totally agree. Hey, I must have misread the email I got from you on November 22, 2009, at 9:54 a.m.—apparently right after you read one of my Dallas Divas and Daughters recaps. Let me check. Nope, I was right, a big f-bomb with an odd mid-sentence capitalization. And I had forgotten about the subject line: Hey you [B word, rhymes with itch]. Again, with the uppercase cursing.

What’s the club’s position on that kind of thing? The cursing, not the capital letters. Though I’d check into that too.

“I’ve been trying to get Bonnie and her family kicked out of the club for some time now,” continues Pamela. Why? Because she has a Ph.D? Brains and a killer bod in one member too much competition for you? Oh, wait, it’s because, “Her behavior is so crass they certainly wouldn’t be missed around here.”

Pamela, change out of that ruffled old-lady sweater and run. Run to church. As fast as you can. Anywhere between Plano and that Tarrant County club will do, just stop at the nearest alter and fall to your knees.

Whoa, what was that? Oh it was a stray tennis ball. No problem, Enrique, it was an accident. Oh, here’s Proper Pam’s response now, “Keep your balls in your pants, Enrique.” If there’s not a club code about that kind of statement, there should be.

Back to Leslie. She’s explaining, “The best way to get to know people that matter is by joining a country club.” So she sits down with Louis Scoma, the new owner  of Woodhaven, to see about becoming a member. Scoma tells Leslie she’ll need two sponsors to be considered for membership, and they’ll also need to conduct a background check and what not. He tells her there’s a dress code and “there won’t be any topless where’s there’s a…you would wear something that’s appropriate.” Leslie makes a mental note: Can’t go topless.

“This is a healthy family environment,” says Scoma. Leslie has this one in the bag, “I married my high school sweetheart. But he passed away.” Scoma looked genuinely sad for her and extended an invitation to the club’s “evening under the stars gala.” But we’re already back to the couch in Leslie’s lair where she admits, “I played the dead husband card. Works every time.”

Leslie, if you leave now, maybe you can hitch a ride to church with Pam.

Over at the pool the daughters are hanging out. Bonnie’s daughter, Whitney, strolls onto the scene in a bikini, and we get our first glimpse of her 15 tattoos. The other girls stare in disgust.

Since Kalyn (not really Leslie’s daughter, but she needed one to be on the show, so she grabbed her god-daughter and moved her across the country) is new to Texas, she’s looking for friends. What better way to get them than to rattle off a long list of pageant titles you’ve won since the age of 4. I might rather see more of Whitney’s tattoos.

She holds her foot out so the others can catch a looksee. Something is blurred out. Yowza, it’s a dirty word (starts with a C, rhymes with punt) in a fancy font across her foot.

Kalyn snarks, “This gives a whole new meaning to cun-try club.”

Just then Pamela Martin Duarte slithers up to judge the younger generation (not the moms, the daughters). Whitney greets her, “Wat up, Pam?” Though shocked by the slangy greeting, Pamela hardly has time to trash the kid before spotting the tat. Few things render Pam speechless, but the tattoo did the trick. She bolts off to join the other moms for a lunch already in progress.

Cut to the couch at Bonnie’s place, where she’s expressing her feelings so eloquently that we can see her Ph.D shining through the glam, “Pam is the fun police. And she smells bad.” Bonnie, when Pam sees this episode, you’re gonna get one of those nasty f-bomb emails with weiRdly Placed CaPs.

Lord Voldemort

At the lunch, Cousin Leslie is already scoping out sponsor number 2, “Should I ask Botox Bonnie, should I ask Milk Toast Melissa, or should I dare ask…Pam?” Don’t do it, Leslie. It’s like asking Lord Voldemort for an endorsement, you’ll pay with your life.

Professor Bonnie excuses herself from the lunch, providing Pamela with the perfect opportunity to start trash talkin’, “Hottie doctor’s daughter over there has the C-word tattooed on top of her foot.”

Like Jason, the masked thrasher in those Friday the 13th horror flicks, Melissa goes straight for Bonnie’s jugular, “Bless her little heart.”

Sad that she didn’t think of it first, Pamela tells Leslie, “Bless her heart, yeah that’s what we say.”

Then Melissa explains that in Texas, “It’s like if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all or you say ‘bless your heart,’ you know.”

Cut to Melissa’s sofa interview, “Connie and Leslie are trying very hard to impress us, bless their little hearts.” Melissa, put your knife down, you can’t kill her yet, this is the very first episode.

Meanwhile, back at the pool. Whitney is dreaming out loud, “I want porn star boobies. I’m a D now, but I want to be an E.” Enough, Whitney. Enough. We know you like to shock people but this thing is going to be available on the Internet forever—think about your future.

We spend the evening at Leslie’s house, where she’s trying to explain to us the complex, altruistic logic behind bringing her god-daughter along on the move to Texas, “I grew up in the pageant world with Kalyn’s mom, and so I know first-hand that they really just don’t have the means to provide her with the opportunities that I can.” Wait. Are Kalyn’s parents living in a box under a bridge? Do they need help? How can we save them? And if they’re under a bridge, why didn’t you bring them to Texas too?

Oh wait, Kalyn is speaking, maybe she misses her mom, “I appreciate that you even thought of me, to bring me here and give me this opportunity.” Kalyn. Wake up. She had to have a girl your age to be eligible for the show. She should be thanking you. Or your mom for giving you away.

Back to Melissa. She’s picking up her teenager Maddie from the doctor and telling America about her really bad cramps. Oh. My. God. Shut up. How embarrassing. Take me anywhere, even to a used clothing store.

Welcome to Connie’s consignment shop in Uptown. Connie tells Leslie about a fabulous estate sale where she scored on the designer duds of a dead woman with impeccable taste.

Leslie seems confused while Kalyn sniffs some merchandise, “The smell and the thought of rotting people kind of grossed me out.” Kalyn, I’m not really comfortable with it either but just to be clear, you realize the dead lady isn’t still in the clothes, right?

Next, we see Leslie arriving for cocktails at Bonnie’s house because this doc is no fool, “I want to get her on my team before Pam injects her with her snake venom.” Over drinks, Dr. Bonnie whips out a letter from the country club that she believes is Pam’s doing. She reads it to Leslie, “The board has decided to amend our official by-laws. From this point forward, any type of profanity, written or verbalized, will go under review by the board and ultimately be punishable through probation or revocation of club membership.”

What about typed profanity? ‘Cause I’ve got an e-mail the board might be interested in.

Anyway, Leslie declares in an almost foreshadow-y kind of way that she’ll never get on Pamela’s bad side.

After a much needed commercial break, Dr. Bonnie gets down to business and tells Whitney that she has to get the C-word taken off her foot. Whitney refuses. So Bonnie bribes her with a cosmetic procedure and tells her if she has the vulgar word removed, she can have her lips done.

Next we’re at Innovative Cheer Services. This is where 15-year-old Grace, Connie’s daughter who is also a cheerleader at Highland Park High School, is practicing her moves. Connie is a former cheer teacher, so she tags along, dressed to practice as well. Grace is horrified when her mom puts on a show with the coach. It was actually very good. I don’t like to embarrass my daughter, but if I could do what Connie just did, I wouldn’t think twice about showing America. Something tells me Pamela wouldn’t approve. In fact, I smell another change in the by-laws.

Back to Whitney and Bonnie on the day of the tattoo removal. I expected to see the elite duo pull up to a fancy medical office ,so I was super surprised when they arrived at a tattoo parlor that also does removals in the back room. Whitney endures the first of six painful treatments to remove the C-word and is rewarded with new pouty lips.

Meanwhile, Grace and Milk Toast Melissa’s daughter Maddie are getting ready for the gala at the club. Maddie pulls out a bag of condoms she got from the doctor that day she had really bad cramps. After they sling a few around the bathroom, Maddie offers Grace part of the stash. Grace accepts and crams them in her evening bag.

Pamela is getting ready for the gala at home with the help of her “personal style team.” Pamela, if anyone on that team had anything to do with the ruffled sweater, you need to fire some peeps. And we haven’t even gotten to the chiffon number you’re about to slip on for the big party.

Leslie and Kalyn arrive at the gala in search of another sponsor. Leslie has just explained to viewers that she must make a good impression but feels she’s more than prepared with her experience as a pageant pro. Leslie, maybe it’s just me but I think something’s brewing with Pamela and Bonnie. If you show up drunk with boogers hanging out of your nose, you’ll still look good in comparison. Even if you fail, there’s a lot of country clubs over here in Dallas you could try.

Woodhaven rolls out a piece of red carpet and calls the paparazzi. Either that or they have a flashing light up in the trees to give things that mini-Oscars feel. Four of the duos arrive showing a lot of skin, in slinky prom-like dresses. Pamela shows up in a sage green grandmother-of-the-bride dress complete with long gauzy sleeves and yards of fabric gathered and draped all over the place. Where’d that style team go?

While Bonnie is gettin’ her drink on and pointing out that Pamela looks like a mermaid, Connie searches for Grace so she can introduce her to some important Fort Worth people. But that mission is aborted when Connie locates her daughter and discovers her purse full of condoms. Grace throws Maddie under the bus, and without taking a moment to collect herself, Connie bolts over to Melissa and confronts her about her condom wielding daughter’s behavior. Eventually Connie decides that Grace should go home and tells her, “I’m putting you in a cab.”

A cab? I guess you could drop her at the taxi stand of terminal C at DFW Airport because I don’t think there are cabs circling Woodhaven waiting for a fare to Dallas. But what do I know?

Bonnie and Whitney are getting way tipsy. Whitney stumbles a bit and flips her heels off to get some balance. Then they begin gesturing at Pam, even though their fingers are blurred out, I think we all know the message being sent. And if you watched the Dallas Divas and Daughters finale, you know Pam is no stranger to that gesture. She flipped a double blurred birdie to all the guests at a Dallas Arboretum afternoon tea. While she was sober.

Pamela makes a buzz-kill jaunt over to Bonnie and the fur starts to fly.

Pamela: Ms. Blossman, can I speak to you?

Bonnie: It’s Dr. Bossman. And you were the one that went to the board. And why don’t you remove that corncob out of you’re a**?

Pamela: I don’t have one. (Good come back, Duarte)

Bonnie: Yes, you do. If you remove it, you’ll feel better.

Pamela: I don’t feel like a drunken mom. It’s called, control your children when you’re out in public.

Bonnie: We haven’t done anything.

Pamela: Yeah, you haven’t done anything as far as parenting. I’d rather have a corncob up my a** than look like a f****** disco ball that I don’t know whether to greet you or dance under you.

(Hey Pam, what was that section number? Page 4, right?)

Bonnie: Sorry you don’t look as hot as me.

Pamela: I don’t look like a hooker.

Bonnie: Hookers can’t afford this.

Pamela: A little clue to you. If my daughter wanted to tattoo my nickname on her foot…

Bonnie: Yeah, that is your nickname on my daughter’s foot.

Pamela: No that’s your nickname. With a capital C. Toodle-ooo.

Then Pamela says to Connie, “I feel bad about what just happened, I feel like I ruined your gala.”

Pamela, you did ruin it. Bless your little heart.

Leslie finds a second sponsor, Dr. Bonnie, and is accepted to the super exclusive Woodhaven Country Club. Congrats to you, Leslie. We knew you could do it.

Find the episode 2 recap here.

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