Like a lot of celebrities, I am a very private person. I’ve managed to keep a lid on chatter about my feelings or my failings or my age. Up till now. Because unlike a lot of celebrities, I don’t actually have what you might call “fans.”
To fill that void, I joined Facebook, the site for narcissists. I have to tell you, it’s been a disappointment. Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be your friend. I couldn’t care less that you’re heading to brunch. I don’t care to see pictures of your adorable children. And I haven’t the time to read all the comments on your wall about how young you look these days.
I only want you to read about me.
So I signed up for Twitter. On Facebook, we have to be friends. Communication is that proverbial two-way street. On Twitter, you can read all about my life, and I never have to hear a peep from you. It makes Facebook look like a tool for the modest.
I immediately set to “twittering” at all times about my three areas of expertise: reality television (“I’m watching Intervention while I work. Hope someone nominates me”); my love life ( [redacted] ); and my nervous stomach (“Tummy is hurty”). But even with such genius material, after three weeks, I only had 48 followers. I’m not going to become the next Ashton Kutcher (Twitter name: aplusk, 1.4 million followers) with numbers like those. A co-worker advised that I should focus on creating more “trenchant” tweets. This coming from a man (timmytyper, 266 followers) who once twittered: “Always a good day when my path crosses Wick’s in the lavatory.” I’ve got a better plan.
First, I’ll have a kid. Obviously, Mark Cuban (mcuban, 30,042 followers) talks a lot about the Mavericks, cryptic items like: “if us had told spurs go 11 of 12 from 3 till end … our guys fought hard.” But I think Cuban knows his real draw is the Punky Brewster factor. Everyone loves the idea of the billionaire curmudgeon who gets charmed by an adorable kid. On his Twitter page, he not only has a picture of himself holding a baby—possibly his own—but he also twitters sweet things like: “teaching my daughter that ‘lets boogie with a suitcase’ means its time to go.” Tweets like that probably make even Jim Cramer tear up a little.
I will name drop. Guess which comedic dynamic duo knows everyone in the business? Kidd Kraddick (kiddkraddick, 12,750 followers) and Kellie Raspberry (kellieraspberry, 7,857 followers) from 106.1 Kiss FM. They twitter about meeting bands such as Fall Out Boy, checking out a Britney Spears concert in Las Vegas, and meeting up with Nicole Richie. Kidd is more the sensitive type (“in LA badly missing my daughter and dreading waking up for the show in 3 hrs”), and Kellie makes me laugh (“Wearing sunglasses inside. The only people sunglasses inside are blind or a**holes. Or severely hungover”). Maybe I’ll have a baby with Kidd and ask Kellie to be the godmother. My baby shower tweets will be amazing.
Next, I’ll over-share. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from local musician Erykah Badu (fatbellybella, 34,274 followers), it’s that you should have your phone with you at all times. She twitters while breast-feeding (“morning [chimes sound] up for 2 a.m. feeding … twitty milk”), climbing trees (“on my bike ride i took a pit stop at my thinking tree. i climbed it. never been afraid of heights … strange, i was quite nervous”), and chatting up her stalker’s parents (“i finally met with the stalker’s parents. they are from poland. very thick accents. we had a wonderful exchange”). And while Badu is a spiritual person (“peace and light. i mean that”), she’s also smart enough to know that sex sells (“i’m naked”).
I will follow sports. Men dig it when women talk sports, which is probably why KTXA Channel 21’s Gina Miller (TXAGina, 466 followers) is popular. Miller twitters from Mavericks games like her life is on the line, putting up maybe 40 tweets per contest. My problem: she’s all business. She offers insights such as: “spurs have no firepower … NOW, if mavs keep shooting those jumpers, they’re in trouble.” And: “Mavs are not focused … this is what we discussed, ad nauseam the past 2 days. Parker j … Spurs 23 Mavs 16.” Now, I’m not in a position to give Ms. Miller advice (yet), but I would suggest a Fall Out Boy reference here and there. Otherwise, I can guarantee she’ll soon only have 465 followers.
Finally, I’ll become a Republican. I don’t currently have the net worth to make this happen, so for the time being, I’ve been studying Jonathan Neerman (JonathanNeerman, 235 followers), chairman of the Dallas County Republican Party. Did you know there was a holiday called Reagan Day? A recent Neerman tweet: “Getting ready for Reagan Day Dinner tonight. We will have people tweeting from their tables.” Do you think that all Republicans look like Rush Limbaugh? They don’t: “Successfully registered for Marine Corps Marathon today. Last MCM was in 2001.” My political transition suddenly seems less scary.
It’s going to take some time, but if all goes well, I should soon have 83,624 people following my every movement.
Follow Laura Kostelny at twitter.com/kostelny.