UT Southwestern doctors recently discovered a gene that might control how fat we get. Astounding as that sounds, this isn’t the first time UT Southwestern doctors have found a gene that controls some part of the body. An exclusive Pulse investigation reveals UT Southwestern’s other discoveries—and perhaps why the school has kept them under wraps.

Sarcasm Gene: Its elimination would basically end blogging as we know it. Plus, people who get by on little more than cutting barbs at others’ expense would be forced to join gyms, develop personalities.

Technology Gene: If this gene were properly manipulated, people would no longer need help with computer problems or complicated HD-to-TiVo-to-DVD-to-receiver installations. IT guys everywhere would finally have to buy a pair of pants.

Snoring Gene: This could be a lifesaver, quite literally. We get this turned off, we no longer have to fear waking up with our wife’s hand pinching our nose closed while covering our mouth. And then doing it again five minutes later. But maybe wives everywhere find joy in this.

Stuttering Gene: C-c-c-couldn’t have figured this out 15 years ago, c-c-c-could you, UT Southwestern? Thanks, fellas. High school was a blast. Really. Keeping this from the market is c-c-c-cru-c—you get our point.

Lazy Gene: The doctors couldn’t get around to writing down the code, so we’ll make a joke for this later. If we have some time. Tomorrow, maybe? Cool. You know what? I’ve got a lot on my plate. Next week? Awesome.