photography by Elizabeth Lavin
Memo to all staff: many of you, no doubt, have already heard about the intern controversy. For those who don’t know what happened, I’ve attached for your reference a picture of our summer interns that recently appeared on our blog. Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with it.

Not long after this picture went online, Dallas Morning News Metro columnist Steve Blow was moved to comment. In an item he headlined “All God’s (White and Perky) Children,” Blow wrote:

“Personally, I would never be this snarky, but a multi-blog-reading correspondent has checked out the new crop of summer interns over on D Magazine’s blog, and he’s just bowled over by all the diversity represented there.

“‘Good to know D is leading the way in preparing tomorrow’s journalists—if we need more sorority news,’ he says snarkily.”

As droll as that post was, you probably thought along the same lines I initially did after reading it: “That Steve Blow! What a rascal! All those years of living in Sunnyvale haven’t dulled his wit any. He still knows how to finger that quill feather and tickle the old giggle button. Thank God he refused the newspaper’s recent buyout offer.”

But as with most things Steve Blow writes, the post worked on so many levels. Under the frothy humor at the surface swirled an ironic disavowal of snark, and beneath that ironic disavowal, at a depth that most writers couldn’t reach in a big submarine, lay a trenchant observation about our interns. Steve Blow got me thinking about a serious issue that I feel needs to be addressed. Namely:

Who hired those three dorks in the back row? Seriously.

Look at the photograph. Study it. There are 23 people in that picture, and if you don’t believe me, you can count them. Out of 23 people, there are three who, when I see them, make me want to pluck out my eyeballs and soak them in hot bleach.

Until now, our intern policy has been an informal one, but as with the recent problems we had with the dress code, you people have demonstrated an utter lack of maturity. If you want rules, fine. I’ll give you rules.

Rule No. 1: no dudes! I can’t stress this rule enough. The no-dudes rule is the cornerstone of D Magazine’s summer internship program. The reason for this rule should be obvious, but in case you are slow and need help, here’s the reasoning behind Rule No. 1: chicks are hotter than dudes. There are exceptions, but they are extremely rare. If you have a male applicant you think might qualify as an exception, see me first.

Rule No. 2: no dudes who look like Harry Potter! This rule would seem extraneous, given Rule No. 1, but experience has taught me, after years of doing this, that it warrants mentioning. Apparently there are hiring managers in this company who think that guys who look like Harry Potter are hot and deserve to be interns at our company. They are mistaken.

Rule No. 3: no dudes who look like that dude standing to the right of the dude who looks like Harry Potter! I like swarthy dudes as much as the next hiring manager, but I’m told the dude’s name on the far right is Pablo. Okay? Pablo. I mean, what was your first clue that A) this was a dude, and B) this was a Mexican? Is there a name that sounds more Mexican and more like a dude? Pancho? Toraidio?

Rule No. 4: hire hot chicks with names like Candy, Amber, Bunny, Sugar, and Roxxie. No Clytemnestras or Maudes! By way of example, see rows No. 1 through 3. Either right to left, or left to right. Your choice.

In conclusion, I value each of your contributions. We’ve got a great team that consistently does excellent work. Everyone should be proud. But as Steve Blow pointed out, there is always room for improvement. Like maybe we could get a Pacific Islander next summer. Is it too much to ask for one hot Tongan?