TOM BERGERON: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a very special episode of Dancing With the Stars. We’re coming to you live from the Earle Cabell Federal Building and Courthouse, in heavenly downtown Dallas. [applause] You’re in for a real treat. The couples tonight are all dancing for their freedom! Let’s bring out our first couple, Mayor Pro Tem Don Hill and his lovely new bride, Sheila Farrington!
[Hill, in ruffled top unbuttoned to his waist, dances a pasodoble with Farrington, clad in black velour Juicy Couture track suit, with the words “Boy Crazy” written in sequins on her buttocks.]
TOM BERGERON: All right! Come on over here, you two. Don, did you have your chest waxed? Smooth! [whooping] Judges, what did you think?
LEN GOODMAN: Smashing! You two are absolutely delightful together. I liked the chemistry. I saw lots of “olé”s—although I also saw a few “oh-no”s. [booing] The only thing I’d add, Don, is that your BMW, the one you earned the right to drive, is still missing its gas cap. So I vote to indict you on all 27 counts, including the bribery and money laundering charges. [booing, folding chairs flying through the air]
BRUNO TONIOLI: Sheila, you were floating like a mermaid, girl. Sexy! But I’m also going with the indictment.
CARRIE ANN INABA: Sheila, you need to dance less with your face and more with your feet. And, Don, what is the story with the tax lien filed against you last year for not paying $140,186.24 in income tax? I vote to indict. [hissing, wailing, rending of clothes and hair]
TOM BERGERON: Maybe our next couple won’t be so taxing on our judges. [laughter, applause] Let’s hear it for councilmembers James Fantroy and Maxine Thornton-Reese!
[Fantroy, in white leather tuxedo, dances a waltz with Thornton-Reese, who is wearing Vera Wang.]
TOM BERGERON: I have to tell you, Maxine, I had my eye on you in rehearsals. [adjusts his pants] But I’m only the host! Carrie Ann?
CARRIE ANN INABA: Maxine, I do love the fact that you went for it. You had a good time, and that’s what it’s all about. But what was it you told Mitch Rasansky? The Jews control City Hall? Or Jews gravitate to other Jews? Whatever. Indicted. [Chevy Tahoe overturned, liquor store set ablaze]
BRUNO TONIOLI: [crouching in chair, pointing both index fingers at Fantroy] Sexy! Molto bene! I love that you compared yourself to Martin Luther King because you were both investigated by the FBI! [laughter, applause] But where is the $50,000 you stole from Paul Quinn College? I have to indict you.
LEN GOODMAN: Bob’s your uncle, mate. I jolly well indict you.
TOM BERGERON: [in riot gear, cocaine residue on upper lip] I’d like you to meet my little friends! [firing rubber bullets into audience] State Rep. Terri Hodge and low-income housing developer Brian Potashnik!
[Potashnik, wearing pressed Wranglers and a Western shirt with pearl snaps, dances the Charleston with Hodge, who is nude except for a jewel-encrusted Imperial storm trooper mask.]
BRUNO TONIOLI: [waving off clouds of tear gas] Terri, you are too steef. I need more romance. Brian, you need to take her to dinner, show her you care. Indicted on 41 counts.
CARRIE ANN INABA: Terri, you need to use the floor, open up your real heart, breathe and extend. I would like to see energy beams coming out of your heart and eyes. [using sleeve to dab at open wound on forehead] I have to go with the indictment, too, girl.
LEN GOODMAN: Terri, that’s a load of cobblers, claiming you didn’t realize you’d taken $32,000 in rent and utility breaks from this Brian bloke. Also, you two were a bit mechanical, not enough animal. Indictly ho!
TOM BERGERON: [at controls of Bradley M2A3 Fighting Vehicle, shouting through PA system] That’s all the time we have! But remember, America, you have the final say. Log on to ABC.com or text your vote now. And tune in next week, when Councilman Leo Chaney and former Plan Commission member D’Angelo Lee will do a frivolous cancan at Club Knubian Fantaciez!