A Little Dab’ll Do Ya
Jean Paul Gaultier’s new line of makeup for men awakened by natural charm.

Perched in one of those tall chairs in the cosmetics department at Neiman Marcus NorthPark, as a fey man with shorn forearms dabbed at my upper eyelids with a kohl pen and I discussed with him the finer points of makeup application, I took comfort in knowing that I am handy with a gun. In fact, I personally own two shotguns. I kill small animals with them. I enjoy it. I mean, I don’t relish the actual taking of lives, which sometimes requires the wringing of necks when the small animals do not immediately expire as a result of their wounds. Then they lie there in the field, twitching, giving you that doe-eyed look that says, “Uh-oh.” That’s no fun. But I enjoy the sport of the hunt and the camaraderie of the other guys and the smell of gunpowder. Plus, I look good in Carhartt.

Anyway, even as shoppers in Neiman’s cosmetics department looked at me askance—it is true that the kohl pen made me tear up, and I had to ask for a tissue, which might have given passersby the impression that having my makeup done was making me cry—I was unfazed. Any man who has ever confronted a wild dove and then shot that dove to death has, like, this internal atomizer filled with strength. I sprayed mine. Inside me.

The entire experience, except for the dove-hunt part, I underwent in your service, so that I might test Jean Paul Gaultier’s new line of makeup for men before you went and padded your billable hours so that you could afford the stuff. The makeup line is called Tout Beau, and it just came to Neiman’s—which would prefer I not refer to it as “makeup.” Gaultier describes Tout Beau as a “bold, virile line of revolutionary tools with instant natural results that offer each and every man the right to be naturally handsome.” For me, “makeup” is easier to remember.

No matter. When the fey man finished with my face—“matifying bronzer” to brighten my complexion, concealer to erase signs of fatigue, a touch of the aforementioned kohl to “awaken my natural charm”—he offered me a mirror. I’d stopped crying, and I have to admit that I did look handsome. The effect was subtle, bewitching. I was operating on only three hours of sleep because of a poker game the night before (virile), and yet I had a refreshed, just-out-of-the-sun glow that suggested I’d recently returned via private jet from a week’s holiday in St. Bart’s with a woman other than my wife.
By then, it was cocktail hour and time to see what sort of impression my fresh new face would make when seen through the bottom of a highball glass. Off for a few bourbon and branches with the boys!

Truthfully, I feared at first that they would guess I was wearing makeup and beat me up. I needn’t have. As we exercised our elbows and discussed the issues of the day, not one of the guys appeared to notice. And knowing that I looked my best really put me on my game. I made several witty ripostes. And I gave a brief lecture on how to make convertible arbitrage plays in overseas markets. I’m pretty sure it was the concealer talking.

From the bar, I went to meet my wife for dinner at a restaurant. She would be the real test. If she can spot the faintest smudge of Chanel Infrarouge Whisperlight lipstick on the collar of a burgundy shirt, then I figured she’d notice if her husband had just had his makeup done at Neiman’s.

Not so. Halfway through dinner, I fessed up. “Can’t you tell I’m wearing makeup?” I asked.

She leaned in and studied my face. “Something about you looked different when I saw you,” she said. “But I figured it was because you’d been drinking.”

And there you have it, men. Jean Paul Gaultier’s Tout Beau makes a man look likes he’s been drinking. In other words: bold, virile, naturally handsome. It passes the test.