But this year was different. This year, one of the “biggest” news stories in Dallas happened right down the hall, and it forced us to have very direct contact with a co-worker. This co-worker learned of Mark Cuban’s impending marriage and began looking into the background of his theretofore unpublicized bride. When Cuban asked that the co-worker turn his attentions elsewhere, and when the co-worker continued to pry, Cuban called him up and threatened to convert him into a gelding. Our esteemed colleague then not only wrote about the threat, but he also posted an audio file of the entire conversation, which he’d recorded, on the web. The story was picked up by national outlets.
The co-worker, already a fellow with a high opinion of himself, became insufferable. Not only that, but his disregard for civilized norms seriously hindered our chances of scoring free Mavericks tickets. We in the Best & Worst Department could not find the words to express our disgust for this co-worker. So we let our sword be our voice. We killed him. We ran him through as he was pouring himself a cup of coffee in the office kitchen. Then we tied his vile carcass to our chariot and took it over to Cuban’s well-built Preston Hollow house.
“Do you see?” we shouted at the gates. “We’ve slain him! Do not punish us for his sins! We, like you, are Mavs fans for life!” For good measure, we sacrificed 100 oxen. And we commissioned the illustration on the opposing page.
Mr. Cuban, please. The seats don’t even have to be together.
Politics & Media
The Rating Game
BEST: To the surprise of some of us, Dallas’ favorite pop psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw has emerged from Oprah Winfrey’s shadow with Jeffrey Tambor’s mustache and a hugely successful syndicated show of his own.
WORST: The CBS Sunday-night movie Hell on Heels: The Battle of Mary Kay, starring Shirley MacLaine as Dallas makeup maven Mary Kay Ash, bombed locally and nationally, ranking 59th in the weekly Nielsens ratings.
That Crazy Cuban
BEST: When beloved Mavs owner Mark Cuban said he wouldn’t hire the NBA’s director of officials to manage a Dairy Queen, Cuban received a $500,000 fine from NBA commissioner David Sternand an invitation from the fast food company to man the counter for a day. He accepted.
WORST: When bedeviled Mavs owner Mark Cuban found out that this magazine planned to publish information about his then-secret fiancée Tiffany Stewart, Cuban threatened to “come and slice [the reporter’s] f—ing nuts off.”
Letter Sent to D Magazine
BEST: “Based on the outrageous hatchet job D Magazine wrote about me recently, I hereby request you cancel my subscriptions to the magazine, both at my office address and at my home. I have no interest in reading your trash ever again. Very truly yours, Tom Hicks”
WORST: “Question: Why does Robert Ash never make your ’List’? Sincerely, Robert Ash”
Da Rap on Dunning
BEST: The Dallas Morning News’ first editorial endorsement of mayoral candidate Tom Dunning praised his ability to bridge racial divides “at a time when this city was on the verge of exploding.” The second editorial had a similar tone but different timeframe, claiming his leadership was when the city was “on the edge of imploding.”
WORST: In a political ad that aired on KKDA-FM 104.5, rapper Chrystall informed his peeps, “Don’t get your buzz on with another [Laura] Miller High Life; get your real buzz on with Tom Dunning. … Peace. I’m out.”
Radio Days
BEST: “The Wolf” (KPLX-FM 99.5) received four station-of-the-year awards, from the Academy of Country Music, Country Music Association, Billboard, and Radio & Records.
WORST: Suffering from lower-than-expected corporate and individual donations, KERA-FM 90.1 was forced to cut nearly a quarter of its staff.
What’s in a Name?
BEST: A judge ordered that Kay Hutchison’s name be removed from the November ballot for district clerk when her opponent claimed she was intentionally creating confusion with U.S. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison. Wal-Mart pharmacy technician Kathrine Weikel said “Hutchison” was her
maiden name.
WORST: After 36 years at the Dallas Morning News, 20 as a columnist, Maryln Schwartz was granted “permanent medical leave” by the paper after she admitted that, among other things, she “often got names scrambled.”
Tangled World Wide Web
BEST: According to two separate studies by Brown University and the Center for Digital Government, www.dallascityhall.com was named the best government site in the state and among the top five in the nation.
WORST: Dallas Morning News parent company Belo sent incorrigible muckraker Avi Adelman a legal letter requesting that he no longer “deep link” to News stories on his web site, www.barkingdogs.org, which “allows the viewer to avoid advertising, etc., on the homepage.”
Lifestyles of the Rich and Publicized
BEST: In a profile of Sid Bass, Vanity Fair reported that the Fort Worth investor sold $1.8 billion of Disney stock to meet a margin call and that Mercedes Kellogg, his future second wife, threw dinner rolls at a society party.
WORST: In a confusing attempt at satire, a New York Times Magazine pictorial characterized the Schlegels as the new Ewings of Dallas and “very rich indeed.”
Unauthorized Airwaves
BEST: At last check, the FCC was still trying to track down a pirate radio station broadcast via a weak signal from somewhere near the intersection of Midway Road and 635.
WORST: City officials took away 220 cell phones from city employees after an audit revealed misuse. One chatty Cathy (or Carl) spent more than 66 hours on the phone in one month.
TASTE TEST ONION RINGS
Taste tested by Richard D. Eiseman Jewelers
THE BEST: Good Eats
Also Rans: Sammy’s Barbeque, Joe Willy’s Market & Grill, Lucky’s Cafe
Worst: Snookie’s Bar & Grill
First, a disclaimer: we tested only the 14-carat division, the places open at lunch. The 24-carat cuts are served at most steakhouses at dinnertime and require a more serious commitment. Nonetheless, our panel of jewelers at Eiseman’s new NorthPark location appraised our rings like they were heirlooms. They checked for proper color (golden brown), weight (not too heavy on the grease), and cut (not too thick, not too thin). In this case, size wasn’t the only standard. “I want a crispy ring, something that is not too thickly battered,” said one of our judges, loop in hand and onion ring in mouth. —Nancy Nichols
LAURA MILLER’S YEAR IN QUOTES
“Can you believe I’m the mayor?”
Mayor Laura Miller, to her husband at 6 a.m. the morning after winning the mayoral runoff election
“I now find myself with a depleted bank account and a good number of post-election expenses.”
Mayor Laura Miller, in a fundraising letter sent to Tom Dunning supporters just six days after she won. The letter also mentioned how “horrendously expensive” her campaign was
“I know it’s stately for a mayor to drive around in a Lincoln Town Car, but I think it’s more symbolic of my tenure to drive around in a soccer-mom SUV.”
Mayor Laura Miller, after the car dealer that leased the city a Town Car for former Mayor Ron Kirk’s use terminated the $1-per-year agreement
“I’m sure all the parking spots for council members must have been taken, and she was running late for a meeting or something.”
Mayor Laura Miller, with tongue in cheek, explaining how Councilwoman Mary Poss, who has said she is considering running for mayor, could have possibly taken Miller’s reserved spot at City Hall
Life & Leisure
Amateur Tart
BEST: Burleson’s own Kelly Clarkson skyrocketed to fame when she won the American Idol television talent search and a $1 million recording contract. As of press time, experts were still saying of her singing, “She needs to lose about 15 pounds.”
WORST: The Fort Worth-based Women’s Institute of Learning released a $49.95 instructional video titled For His Eyes Alone: How to Strip for the Man You Love. Tip number 11: “Remember! The passé pointe is always followed by the cha, cha, cha.
Fire Cracker
BEST: A six-alarm blaze gutted one of Dallas’ biggest houses, the 43,000-square-foot Chateau du Triomphe on Strait Lane. The owner of the $45 million mansion, Jean Boulle, said, “It’s an act of God. What can you do?”
WORST: Jonathan Perry, a 17-year-old from Midland, wound up in the hospital with severe burns after he let his friends douse him with lighter fluid, set him on fire, and videotape the whole thing. They were copying the “human barbeque” stunt from Jackass.
Name Brand
BEST: Irving-based Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) sued New York-based Dads and Mad Moms Against Drug Dealers (DAMMADD) for trademark infringement.
WORST: The University Park City Council voted to fix the inconsistent spelling of the street known as Thackery, Thackerey, and Thackeray. The council picked Thackery. It was originally named for the author of Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray.
Bladder Control
BEST: As reported in the News, fiftysomething socialite Angie Barrett barged into the men’s room at the Dallas Museum of Art’s Beaux Arts Ball. “It’s like the line for a Pearl Jam concert,” she said of the women’s facilities.
WORST: Billy Bob Bryan was forced to remove a statue of a urinating boy from his front yard when the city of Rockwall informed him that his yard art violated a state obscenity law.
Something Specious in the Air
BEST: Southwest Airlines announced that it would begin charging “persons of size” for two seats if they cannot fit comfortably in one. A spokeswoman said that ticket agents would be discreet when confronting large passengers.
WORST: American Airlines banned pit bulls, Rottweilers, and Dobermans from all future flights after a pit bull broke loose in the cargo hold during a flight and chewed through electrical cables, knocking out a piece of navigational equipment.
Dead Duck
BEST: The SPCA began a “pet grief counseling group” for bereaved humans who’ve lost a “beloved companion animal.” The group meets on the first Saturday of every month at the Dealey Animal Care Center.
WORST: After a sick but alive Rottweiler was dumped onto a pile of animal carcasses at the city landfill, officials vowed to improve training for sanitation workers on how to properly dispose of animals.
Turn of Events
BAD: While on a spring break nature hike, 13-year-old Catherine Vanstone came across a plant that looked like celery, so she ate some. The plant turned out to be hemlock, and Catherine died.
WORSE: When Catherine’s mother took her daughter’s unworn prom dress back to Special Occasion Dresses and explained that her daughter had died two days previous, they refused to give her a refund (it took a news story about the refusal to get the store to make an exception).
Flyboy
BEST: When his traffic helicopter suffered an engine failure, David Meyer made a hard but safe emergency landing on Midway Road at 8 a.m. A reporter onboard named John Wolf told his KRLD-AM 1080 audience, “635 westbound … is a just a mess. And we’re going down.” Then he quit his job.
WORST: When his four-seat airplane ran out of gas en route from Evansville, Indiana, to Addison, Rolin Walton landed on Central Expressway at 1 a.m.
Sense of Humor
BEST: Performing at the Hyatt Regency, Jay Leno ribbed a man in the front row for driving a ’98 Suburban, calling him a “charity case.” Ray Hunt, who owns the Hyatt, wrote Leno a thank-you note—signed “Suburban Guy.”
WORST: The Texas Department of Agriculture ousted a bottle of “Bomb Laden Mad Blast Habanero Hot Sauce” from the State Fair because it featured a tiny turban on its cap and a caricature of Osama bin Laden on its label.
Pious Publicity Stunt
BEST: The Fellowship Bible Church of Dallas ran a newspaper ad picturing Jesus hanging on the cross, accompanied by the message: “Of course people with pierced body parts are welcome in our church.”
WORST: Meeting in Dallas, the nation’s Catholic bishops publicly voted for a “one strike you’re out” policy on sexual abuse, which they then ignored, teaching their 62 million parishioners that maybe Martin Luther had a point.
Marriage Broker
BEST: Event planner Russell Holloway spent months arranging Mark Cuban and Tiffany Stewart’s wedding in Jamaica. Then Hurricane Isidore forced a change in plans right before takeoff, and Holloway had to plan it over again on the flight to Barbados.
WORST: Kevin Halter Jr.’s brothers wanted to help him find a wife. So they bought radio spots and launched www.meetkevin.com to advertise the 42-year-old Frisco man’s marriageability—all unbeknownst to Halter. At press time, the site said that Halter had met someone.
Honor Society
BEST: When the city of Garland named its new landfill after him, city attorney Charles Hinton called it “a genuine honor.”
WORST: Some members of the Colleyville City Council opposed a historical marker honoring John Alison Goldsmith, a “desperate and fearless” horse thief who was shot to death in 1877 while trying to outrun a sheriff’s posse.
Permanent Installation
BEST: Richard Serra, the greatest living sculptor, according to the New York Times, traveled to Fort Worth to install his brilliant 67-foot, 230-ton, Corten-steel Vortex, 2002 in front of the new Modern Art Museum.
WORST: The Dallas Museum of Art mothballed the 53-foot Stake Hitch, which had stood in the museum since it opened in 1984, angering renowned artists Claes Oldenburg and his wife Coosje van Bruggen, who had assumed the piece was permanent.
TASTE TEST GUMBO
Taste tested by LSU Alumni Club
THE BEST: S&D Oyster Company
Also Rans: Nate’s Seafood & Steakhouse, Gubo’s Louisiana Style Cafe, Dodie’s
Worst: Crescent City Cafe
Gather a group of LSU alumni and two things are bound to happen: a raucous football discussion and an even crazier debate over the finer points of gumbo. The Dallas chapter of the LSU Alumni Club, which gathers to watch their beloved Fighting Tigers at Ben’s Half-Yard Ale House every autumn Saturday, was more than happy to participate in our bowl game. They compared soup-to-rice ratios, amounts and varieties of seafood, and rued over a bad roux. “A good gumbo and a good roux are the true tests of a Louisiana cook,” said one judge. Well, fais do-do, there are some fine Louisiana cooks working in Dallas. —N.N
Crime & Punishment
Home Body
BEST: A federal appeals court overturned his bribery conviction and set Al “Big Daddy” Lipscomb free on a Friday night. The 77-year-old former city councilman had spent more than two years under home confinement.
WORST: Police checking on a North Dallas couple who had not been seen in two weeks discovered their badly decomposed bodies in their home, along with a third, all dead from gunshot wounds.
Crime Fighter
BEST: Celina Police Chief Billy Wilson used a mirrored apparatus to peep over a partition at a naked woman in a McKinney tanning salon. He was convicted of disorderly conduct and resigned.
WORST: Dallas police patrolman Michael Sillemon helped an armed gang rob four banks, telling them what times of day were best and instructing them to “aim high” if forced to shoot so as to avoid bulletproof vests.
Use of Their Money
BEST: Seven Richland High School baseball players were suspended from the team when a cop caught them placing a feces-covered dollar bill on a sidewalk and videotaping people as they picked it up.
WORST: An audit of Cleo Steele, the longest-serving justice of the peace in Dallas County (26 years), found in his court $27,028 in undeposited fines and 403 pieces of unopened mail, some of it three months old.
Next Guest on Dr. Phil
BEST: Randall Robinson of Lewisville pleaded guilty to making telephone threats against Dr. Phil McGraw’s wife. Robinson, who worked as a personal trainer for Robin McGraw, threatened to tell the National Enquirer that he gave her drugs—unless she “loaned” him $7,500.
WORST: A J.J. Pearce High School student who was stabbed in the stomach in a school bathroom said two girls had attacked her but later confessed that she’d stabbed herself because she was upset with her mother.
College Try
BEST: Two weeks after SMU dedicated Wave, a $1.5 million outdoor sculpture by famed architect Santiago Calatrava, a student broke the piece by walking on it.
WORST: Dallas police were called in when a custodian found the supplies for a methamphetamine lab in the basement of the Owen Fine Arts Center on the SMU campus.
Refusal by a Keller Police Lieutenant to Speculate for a Star-Telegram Reporter
BEST: As officers interviewed a woman at her house about a burglar she’d scared off, the burglar made several attempts to re-enter the house. Police arrested the man when they searched his car and found methamphetamines. Lt. Tommy Williams told the Star-T he could not explain the suspect’s behavior.
WORST: Alerted by trash collectors who found hand grenades in Dale Johns’ trash, police searched his house and found drugs, thousands of rounds of ammunition, machine pistols, assault rifles, and flash powder, which was safely detonated for disposal. Lt. Tommy Williams told the Star-T he didn’t know how much flash powder there was.
Proving a Point
BEST: After a night of bar-hopping in Fort Worth, Johnny Joslin and Clayton Stoker got into an argument about who would go to heaven and who to hell. Stoker put the barrel of a shotgun in his mouth and said he’d settle the matter. Joslin grabbed the gun and told Stoker to shoot him instead—which Stoker did, killing Joslin.
WORST: Albert Lewis and Mackel Herndon got into an argument in a Fort Worth grocery store over a $25 loan. They knocked over food displays and wound up in the parking lot. Herndon grabbed a shovel from his car. Lewis got a gun from his. The gun won.
Impersonator
BEST: Christopher Fish was arrested for pretending to be a state trooper and carrying phony badges and a toy handgun—but not before he led a high-speed chase in June and helped apprehend a burglar in July (both times leaving the scene before he could be thanked).
WORST: Andrew Hicken lived for months in Shuttles Hall at SMU, going to frat parties, looking like any other student. But police investigating a series of thefts in the dorm found that Hicken, 22, wasn’t a student and had an outstanding burglary warrant.
Drunk Driver
BEST: A 911 caller said it looked as if a drunk woman was about to drive away from a party in Arlington. When police arrived, they found Miss Teen Texas Julia Anderson, 17, in the parking lot and arrested her for public intoxication.
WORST: Chante Mallard of Fort Worth confessed to the following: drinking; driving; hitting a pedestrian who became lodged in her windshield, his broken legs on the hood, his torso in the car, still alive; continuing several miles to her house; parking in her garage; ignoring the man’s pleas for help; enlisting a friend to help dump the body in a park.
Taking Advantage of the Differently Abled
BEST: Dallas resident James Doolin was arrested for selling 100 fake handicapped parking tags for $500 to undercover officers in Denton County.
WORST: Husam Ibrahim Alahmad and his Palestinian nephew Ibrahim Mustafa I. Abu Baker were indicted for tricking a retarded woman into a marriage with Baker so that he could gain U.S. citizenship.
Illegal Briefs
BEST: Police answering a burglary call in Highland Park arrived to find the suspect still in the house and armed—but clad only in his underwear. They shot and wounded the man when he pointed a gun at them.
WORST: Faced with nine sexual-misconduct lawsuits charging that former and current Haltom City Police Department employees harassed and abused female inmates, the city made several changes, including allowing both male and female inmates to wear underwear.
Handling of a Utensil
BEST: Taylor Hess, an honor student at L.D. Bell High School, was expelled because his grandmother’s bread knife—which had fallen from a box he was taking to Goodwill—was found in his pickup on school grounds.
WORST: Kevin Butler was murdered when two burglars broke into his house. His cockatoo, Bird, was found stabbed to death with a fork. But Bird had apparently gone down fighting, and DNA evidence found on his bloody beak led police to the perpetrators.
TASTE TEST BARBEQUE RIBS
Taste tested by 4 out of5 Doctors
THE BEST: Baker’s Ribs
Also Rans: North Main BBQ, Peggy Sue BBQ, Holy Smokes,
Worst: Sonny Bryan’s
We try to make these taste tests serious business, but when we asked the comedy troupe 4 Out of 5 Doctors to sample the best ribs in Dallas, it dissolved into a, um, rib-tickling show. Backstage at Richardson High School, the “doctors” dished out barbs while chowing down on the barbeque. “I haven’t seen bones like this since I dated Calista Flockhart,” said one. The diagnosis: there’s some mighty tough competition in this category. —N.N.
Fun & Games
Drug Salesman
BEST: After 13 years with the Cowboys, longhair center Mark Stepnoski retired from football and became the president of the Texas chapter of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.
WORST: Rafael Palmeiro became the first athlete from the four major sports to serve as spokesman for Viagra—though his agent claimed Raffy “does not suffer from this problem.”
Potty Mouth
BEST: After watching Rangers reliever Hideki Irabu give up back-to-back ninth-inning homers against the Angels, when he thought his mic was off, Fox Sports Net color analyst Tom Grieve said, “S—, he couldn’t have thrown batting practice better.”
WORST: With six seconds remaining in a preseason game against the Falcons, as Billy Cundiff missed a 23-yard, game-winning field goal, Cowboys coach Dave Campo was caught by HBO’s Hard Knocks cameras moaning, “Oh, my aching balls.”
Public Addresser
BEST: The Rangers brought back beloved stadium announcer Chuck Morgan, who had gone to the Kansas City Royals after doing 1,512 consecutive games for the Rangers, from 1983 to 2001.
WORST: John Rocker caused a scene—and made headlines—at Bread Winners Cafe on McKinney Avenue after he called a gay couple “fruitcakes.” He finished the season with a 6.66 ERA and was released.
Milestone for No. 22
BEST: In a game against the Seahawks, Emmitt Smith broke Walter Payton’s 15-year-old record to become the most rushingest rusher in NFL history (the Cowboys lost 17-14).
WORST: Bob Hayes—the Olympic hero, the world’s fastest human, and the Cowboys’ first international superstar—died without making it into the Hall of Fame.
Check Mate
BEST: In the Final Four of intercollegiate chess held in Miami, players from the University of Texas at Dallas won the school’s second consecutive national championship (beating Stanford, Harvard, and the University of Maryland).
WORST: Former Cowboys cornerback and Super Bowl MVP Larry Brown was arrested in Colleyville and charged with writing 18 bad checks at Las Vegas casinos. “It sounds worse than it is,” Brown said.
Departure from the Team
BEST: SMU’s starting quarterback, junior Kelan Luker, told his coach that he was quitting football and leaving school to play bass in his rock band, Submerged.
WORST: Giant Chinaman Wang Zhizhi, now with the Clippers, went AWOL from the Mavericks for several weeks at the end of the season, leading to speculation that he might defect.
Filly with Bucks
BEST: Alex Rodriguez, the Rangers’ $252 million shortstop, married his longtime girlfriend, Cynthia Scurtis, in a secret ceremony.
WORST: At the U.S. Smokeless Tobacco Co. Cup Finale, held at the American Airlines Center, bareback rider Wes Stevenson of Kaufman broke a world record with a 94-point ride. He called his mount, Cover Girl, “the rankest horse I had ever been on.”
Stopping the Dribble
BEST: Using a fierce, full-court press, South Dallas’ Lincoln went 40-0, won the Class 4A state title, and was named the best boys high school team in the country in both USA Today and National Prep polls.
WORST: The Mavericks choked in the second round of the playoffs, losing largely due to their flimsy defense. Of 207 field goals scored by the Kings in the 4-1 series, 115 were lay-ups or dunks.
Animal Attraction
BEST: The DISD’s A. Maceo Smith High School had to move its football practices when alligators were spotted in a swamp next to the school’s field.
WORST: The “2003 Rangers/Stars Pet Calendar” features athletes posing with their dogs (the only cat—fittingly one-eyed—belongs to Derian Hatcher). For his picture, though, Chan Ho Park borrowed a dog from the SPCA.
Response to a Benching
BEST: Suspended by the NBA for violating an arcane scouting rule, Mavericks coaches Don and Donnie Nelson donned jailbird uniforms and watched the season opener (and drank heavily) with fans at a Dave & Buster’s.
WORST: After allowing two goals and getting pulled from the first period of a game in Vancouver, former Stars goalie Ed Belfour returned to the locker room and used his stick to destroy two TVs, a clock, and a VCR.
Business on the Links
BEST: Stars and Rangers owner Tom Hicks was on a golf outing with Alex Rodriguez and John Hart at Augusta National when coach Ken Hitchcock was fired.
WORST: Dallas’ Justin Leonard went into the final round of the PGA Championship at Hazeltine National with a three-stroke lead—then blew it. He finished fourth and said, “This really hurts.”
Photos: Lipscomb: James Bland
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