Those of us who have been with the same person for a while can attest to the fact that the feeling creeps in at times. We wish for more. We wonder what our single friends are out doing. We question if our life is as good as others. But in these instances, it’s important to be mindful of the place we are in our lives.
Throughout different stages of our relationship, it’s natural to question whether we’re having the best sex, whether we’re with our perfect mate, and ultimately trying to parse out whether or not we want to stay in our existing relationship. At first, watching Dancing with the Stars feels sweet, but over time it becomes dull. We worry that we’ll never feel the spark again and so we look elsewhere.
When a person steps out of their relationship, at first, they might feel as though they are on cloud nine. A lot of times, this happens because they are leading a double life. But that’s difficult to sustain. In the beginning, the relationship is taboo and kind of tantalizing; however, over a period time it becomes stressful and overwhelming. It can lead someone to never truly feel present—they’re either thinking about their partner or their fling.
When someone gets caught in a situation like this, a lot of times they pray for the boredom that they once questioned. They wish they could go back to reality TV on the couch. Rather than wanting a spark, they long for stability. And so the vicious cycle builds.
Because boredom is a state of mind that everyone finds themselves at one point or another, we need to begin to understand why we’re bored and positive ways to cope. How we deal with boredom provides important insight into our lives. First off, recognize it as a feeling. Are you doing the same thing day after day and expecting different results? Once we’re able to spot why exactly we’re bored with our life, we can begin to pinpoint what we need to fix. It’s human to want to make massive changes however in order for stability, we’ve got to begin with small ones that are timely and well positioned. These changes can come in the form of household activities or new experiences to have together. Remember, if you’re bored your partner might be, too.
The best way to better your long-term relationship is to spice it up together. When we go outside of the marriage for fun, we stop working on our marriage and begin working on something completely different. We take the time and effort off what’s important and put it on something new and exciting. When we look towards another person to add flavor to our lives, we give the power to someone else, and we take ourselves out of the active equation. By doing this we tell ourselves that we aren’t capable of bettering our life and that we need someone else to do it for us. Bottom line: Boredom can be a gauge we use to be honest about where our relationship is and where it can go.
Ashley Berges is a Dallas-based life coach, family therapist, and syndicated radio talk show host of Perspectives with Ashley Berges, which can be heard on 570 AM KLIF and 660AM KKSY. She has written three books; her most recent is The 10-Day Challenge to Live Your True Life. Visit her website atwww.ashleyberges.com.
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