Last week we discussed the different types of breakup personalities: those who stay at home, those who party hard, and those who hop immediately into the next relationship. This week, we’re talking about how to deal successfully with the breakup.
First off, after any breakup you’ve got to deal with the grief and the loss of the relationship. It’s similar to a death. You have to give a little time to acknowledge that it happened and to begin to let it go. Next, it’s important to realize the part you played and the baggage that may have come with this relationship. Because we want to fit in and be loved, throughout a relationship we may agree, curtail, or change ourselves in some way to match the other person. At this point, it’s a good time to ask: What did I choose to alter about myself during this relationship, and do I miss that about myself? Or instead, do I want to put a stop to certain personality traits I took on in the relationship? Working with yourself on this alone will help you in future relationships. You’ll also be more aware in the future when someone is trying to change you and doesn’t love you for you.
Next, get mad. It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to want revenge or need to get even. Getting mad helps to relieve the depression and puts you back in control. The mad phrase is when you begin to realize all the things you couldn’t stand about the other person—no matter how much you tried to dismiss these things when you were dating or married.
After you get mad, you’re ready to move on. This phase is when you start your own personal program to rebuild and court yourself. It’s time to look inward, cease looking for someone to date, and start treating yourself like a king or a queen. The better we treat our bodies, the better we feel. Instead of not eating or cramming fast food down your throat, go by Whole Foods on Lemmon Avenue and pick up something you can cook for yourself. Even if you’re not a cook, it’s about taking the time to do something for yourself.
If cooking is completely out of the question and you store sweaters in your oven, go by Snap Kitchen Uptown and pick up some healthy prepared food. Your personal touch can be to plate the food on your own dinnerware, heat it up for yourself, and sit down at the table to eat. Central Market has many options for prepared meals, as well. Take good care of yourself and be honest about your emotions. But most importantly, don’t check Facebook to see which Uptown bar your ex was at last night. Loosen the grip on your smartphone.
When you’re lonely and freshly out of a relationship, you’re struggling a bit, and you want to ignore your feelings. The phone feels like your connection to the outside world. However, when we depend on the phone and respond immediately to every text, we aren’t bettering ourselves, we’re praying that someone—anyone—will call us or text us to come out. I’ve been on that couch with a Jedi death grip on my phone in my right hand waiting for it to buzz. We have to begin by not looking for outside stimulation and busyness.When you put a stop to this, you bring yourself up and power up your inner strength and personal respect for yourself.
The breakup is a learning process, where you realize what you love and what you will not accept. It allows us to find out what exactly we won’t deal with because life is too short to settle. And as you get to know yourself and love yourself more, you will realize that settling just isn’t an option. Throughout the process, you will have epiphanies that you never dreamed of. You will realize personas you have been taking on for others and will begin to let those go.
I believe, if you truly want to find a relationship that works, you have to be yourself. Get rid of the baggage from previous relationships by allowing time to heal and to honestly work on yourself. It’s time consuming and it isn’t always easy to create a solid foundation, but it’s necessary. It’s better to do the soul work now than to wait and be filled with regret and resentment. Take an active interest in who you are so you’ll be ready when someone else does the same.
Ashley Berges is a Dallas-based life coach, family therapist, and syndicated radio talk show host of Perspectives with Ashley Berges, which can be heard on 570 AM KLIF and 660AM KKSY.
