As you read this morning, audio has surfaced of Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst’s August 3 call to the Allen PD to try to facilitate the release of his step-niece-in-law from the pokey. After some digging, I was able to ascertain that Dewhurst didn’t just leave it at that. He paid a visit to the Allen PD to see if there was anything else he could do.
“This is David Dewhurst, and I’m the lieutenant governor of the State of Texas. I am, every year, the No. 1 pick of all of the law enforcement agencies within Texas and — ““What does that mean, exactly? The No. 1 pick? You said that on the phone and we were — it doesn’t make any sense. No. 1 pick for what?”“It’s like I said, I’m the No. 1 pick. I — ““No, no — I heard you. I just — that’s pretty vague, you know? You could be the No. 1 pick to throw out the first pitch at a charity softball game or, I don’t know, maybe you’re the No. 1 pick if we ever get on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Hey, is that still on?”“I … I don’t know. Maybe? I think there was a syndicated version with that woman from The View.”“Barbra Walters?”“No.”“Star Jones?”“No. Well — no.”“Elizabeth Hasselbeck?”“No. Hey, listen, we are, um, we are getting a bit off-track here. No, again, I’m Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst and — ““Whoa, whoa — hold on. Could you stay just like that for a second?”“O … K.”“Has anyone ever told you that you look a little like Bob Eubanks?”“What?”“Bob Eubanks — you know from the Newlywed Game? Bob Eubanks! The game show host!”“I got the reference, OK? I just don’t see what that has — ““Oh, man. Ha. You look even more like him when you’re upset. You know that whole ‘what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever made whoopee’ was made up, right?”“Now that is just a flat-out lie. They have the video in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.”“Never heard of it.”“George Clooney directed it? The one about Chuck Barris? No? It’s pretty good. ANYWAY, as I was saying, I am here to bring the full power of the lieutenant governor’s office to bear to get my step — ““Hey, what’s the biggest animal you think you could kill with your bare hands? You know. If you HAD to. Some of us guys were talking about that the other day.”“Ugh. Uh, ah, I don’t know. A cat?”“Geez, man, you’re sick.”“You know what? I’m just going to hold my breath until I pass out or you get what’s-her-name out of the joint, whichever comes first. At this point, I really don’t care which.”“…”
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