Apologies for the tardiness of this post. It was a long, bad day. So let’s maybe do a light one today, shall we? We’ll just hit the highlights, and we’ll save the in-depth cattiness for the next few episodes, okay? Jump if you want to hear the true story of four boring people who get picked to go on overnight dates and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. Or in this case really lame. And terrible.
Let’s start with Ali’s phone call wherein she begs Jake to take her back.  This whole thing is unbelievable. First of all, who would want Jake? Even after an incredibly romantic date at your dead grandma’s house, I think once you’re off the show, you get de-programmed rather quickly. And either Ali lives in a hotel next door to the Golden Gate Bridge or this whole thing is a sham. She clearly says that she’s home, but that woman is calling from a hotel phone while wearing a hotel-issued robe. And I’m guessing from the numerous stock art of the Golden Gate Bridge the producers chose to flash throughout the 2.2-minute phone call, she isn’t calling from San Francisco.
I don’t know why Ali makes the humiliating phone call. Maybe she is contractually bound to do so. Perhaps she wants to stay in a fancy hotel and eat room service–that robe looks comfy! It could be that she likes to be on camera. Whatever the case, it’s not worth it. Because Jake tells her that he prefers the company of Google McGoogle Eye, Baby Talking Tiny Dancer, and Sloppy Seconds Gia, thank you very much. Ali exits stage right.
Now on to the mystery of the horrific beads. I called them Jamaican beads last week. I was wrong. They are St. Lucia beads, and they are the true star of this episode. Jake wears a strand the whole time, and he buys a set for lucky Gia on their date. Even poor, dumb Gia knows they are ridiculous. “Jake is so romantic,” Gia says. “For the rest of my life, this necklace will be around my wrist.”
Sadly, that good sense is fleeting. Apparently, Gia has chosen to ignore that Ali’s departure is the only reason she got to go to St. Lucia–one presumes Ali’s name was scratched out and “Gia” was hastily written on the ticket. But our girl is in it to win it. She dances in the street with Jake. She says painful things like, “By the end of the date, I want us to say ‘I love you’ to each other.” She nods in an understanding manner when he says things like, “My heart is open. I’m looking for someone who will make my dreams theirs. And their dreams mine.” She pretends not to mind that he drinks chardonnay. She wears a diamond tiara, sparkly shoes, and shows a lot of boob. She accepts his invitation to the creepshow Fantasy Suite. She dons a swimsuit and sits in a bathtub with him. In short, she does everything she can to win. And it’s all for naught. We know she’s going home. Jake knows she’s going home. Even her scary mom knows she’s heading back to the Bronx–she saw it in the Tarot cards. The only person who doesn’t know is the lady with marks all over her wrist. (Those happen when a cheap strand of beads meets tepid bath water.)
Tenley is up, and this is a proper date. No running from stray dogs, street musicians, and dreaded bead pushers here.  She gets to go for a spin in a helicopter! And Tenley and Jake have a lot to talk about–it’s been hours since she’s had a chance to talk about her divorce. They enjoy a nice picnic, go for a swim, make out, and Jake whispers sweet nothings like, “I can tell you that in 20 years, I’ll still have a little-boy crush on my wife.”
Finally, we get to dinner, and big things are afoot. Jake has switched to red wine. Tenley breaks off a branch from a nearby tree and begins to beat herself with it in an act of atonement. “I hope that you can fall in love with me,” she says. “And everything that comes with that. Even my past…” Jake takes the branch from her, lovingly wipes up the blood, and asks a nearby dj to play Canon in D. As we learned last week, Tiny Dancer loves to dance. And so they will dance away their troubles–the divorce, the smell of Gia on Jake’s lapel (or maybe it’s that damn necklace), thoughts of the upcoming date with Madam Squirrel Chaser, all of it.
Once again, the invitation to the Fantasy Suite arrives, and Tenley accepts. One hopes the maid had the time to change the sheets–it appears to be the same suite Gia visited the night before. They change into swimsuits–nothing better than enjoying a big meal and putting on the bikini!–and make out in the pool. Jake wipes something from her face–her mustache perhaps? He muses, “It takes a lot of courage for a girl to tell a guy, ‘I’ve only spent the night with one guy.'” She was married, so I think she spent more than a night with a guy. And also, I think Jake might be kidding himself here. She saved herself for marriage, which is fine. Noble, even. But I suspect she might have had a sleep over here or there–just spooning, of course.
And anyway, virginity can’t be all that important to our hero because, let’s be honest, Lady Lazy E has been around the block. And he loves her. “I want to please Vienna,” he says at one point. “And Vienna wants to please me.” One of the guhls reasoned, “She must be better looking in person.” Anyway, the two board a pirate ship and Jake looks for and finds plenty of booty. (See what I did there?) The couple makes out a whole bunch.
Later on the beach, we see that Vienna sports a huge tattoo on her hip. No one is surprised.
On to dinner. The beach has apparently done a number on the extensions. Jake does not notice because his eyes are set on Vienna’s all-but exposed breasts. Lest you think Jake is having impure thoughts, think again. “It’s not just sexual,” he says. “It’s more.” Vienna is talking a lot this date. Too much, really. Even for Jake. He shuts her up by asking what kind of wedding ring she wants. “Princess cut,” she answers before the question is complete. And she wants that ring. Do you know how many plastic surgeries a ring like that could pay for? (Okay, maybe not even one.) So she goes for it: “I just want to be completely honest with you. I honestly–when I’m not with you, you’re all I think about,” she says. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Wouldn’t it have been amazing if Vienna had refused to visit the Fantasy Suite? Yeah, didn’t happen. She immediately accepts and things get steamy fast. Jake says, “I really like your white, filmy pajamas. But they’d look better on my floor.” And Vienna says, “Look into my eye. You’re getting veryyyyyyy sleepy.” And she hypnotizes him with the rogue eye, and then robs the place blind. (Pardon the vision pun. It just happens.)
Finally, after two excruciating hours, Gia gets the boot. Tenley and Vienna will have to duke it out for this guy. I would like it to end in a cage match to the death. Alas, I do not have high expectations.
Apologies. I’ll do better next week.
