We should start a petition. That’s what people do when they have important causes like world peace and saving NBC’s Chuck, right? Our petition will ask–beg, actually–ABC to trim The Bachelor by 90 minutes. Something has to be done here because poor, asexual simpleton Jake isn’t equipped to shoulder a two-hour program. Forget the most dramatic episode ever–last night’s show was the longest, most boring thing I’ve ever endured. I feel like I could have earned an MFA, gotten married and raised a kid, and maybe even learned how to balance my checkbook in the 100 years it took Jake to kick four ladies to the curb. So, please, start and sign a petition. (I’m far too lazy to do that or any of the other items mentioned above.) Don’t do it for me, do it for the children (including the poor kid in China that Gia plans to adopt, presumably to preserve her swimsuit model figure). For those with a tough constitution, let’s jump for a more detailed recap. To the rest of you, good luck in your endeavors.
We open with professional stater of the obvious Chris Harrison once again telling the ladies how the show works. In order to ease Chris’ self loathing–surely the man despises himself, yes?–the writers give him some new lines. “Things are going to be a little different this week. In fact, everything is about to change,” he says. It’s important to note that this is ominous news, but Chris is so happy about the new dialogue, he’s almost giddy. And that’s not good. From his tone, the girls are expecting good things. Like from here on out, crowns and sashes are mandatory. Or maybe Jake Pavelka is being replaced with Jake Ryan. (Michael Schoeffling=greatness.) Or perhaps from now on, reading books is against the rules. Whatever the dream, it was crushed the moment the girls stepped out the front door.
The gang is going for a roadtrip up the California coast. In a pair of RVs.
Remember last season? Whistler? Hawaii? Barcelona? Helicopters on every date? Five-star hotels? What the hell has happened to the budget on this show?
Anyway, the girls pretend to be super excited about this Rock of Love Bus ripoff. Ali takes a seat in the cargo area. Hilarious! Ella says, “I’m excited to get my relationship with Jake rolling down the highway.” Punny! Vienna confesses that she’s happy that she’s not on the same bus as arch enemy Ali. Smart!
But where’s our hero? Is Jake kicking it on another bus with Bret Michaels, Big John, and Daisy (of Love)? Sadly, no. He’s riding that blasted motorcycle. Did you notice the black car directly behind him? Poor driver, probably so frustrated by Cool Rider’s abnormally large helmet paired with his inabilty to go faster than 35 miles per hour.
Days later (or it seems like it anyway), everyone arrives at the vineyard where Jake has set up camp. He greets the girls, hands Gia the date card, hops on his motorbike, and rides the 100 yards back to his tent. Seriously. You can see the tent from where the girls are standing. But whatever.
In order to prepare for his big date with Gia, Jake pretends to shave while holding a compact–he’s clean cut and boring even in the great outdoors! And guess what, party people? That could be a metaphor for this perfectly lame date. The duo plays hide and seek! Outside! Jake carries Gia around like a baby—the kind of baby who models swimsuits and straddles strange men–and says, “It kind of feels like the beginning of a fairy tale.” And they’re outside! They have a little happy hour wherein Jake confesses he was in 11th grade when he first kissed a girl. (Not exactly shocking.) Gia confesses that she had to be taken out of school because everyone hated her. (Again, no surprise.) And they make these confessions without a roof over their heads, guys. It’s all happening outside! Chris was so right–everything is so different outside!Â The most boring couple ever finally plays a game of spin the bottle and make out over Spanish music (left over from Jillian’s season when the cast actually got to go to Spain?). The kissing is bad. Does Jake ever use tongue? Not that I want to see that, but I’m curious. Whatever the case, Gia doesn’t mind. She says it was the best kiss of her life. Finally, he gives Gia a piggy back ride to dinner–apparently because she talks like a baby, Jake surmises that she is also unable to walk. Anyway, if she thinks she knows what they’re having for supper, she’s mistaken. “Because she’s from New York, she is probably expecting that we are going to have steaks,” Jake says.
What’s the deal with those New Yorkers and their steaks? Am I right? Hey! That would have been a good bit at Lovitz’s comedy club!
Here is why Gia is perfectly suited for this man: She and Jake have equally annoying laughs. She talks about stuff you shouldn’t talk about on a first date. “I picture us hopefully getting engaged. I would like to be engaged for awhile, and you know, I have no problem coming to Texas…I want kids before I’m 30…I want to adopt a child from China, too.” She has a lisp. She’s prone to saying things like, “I think this is the most romantic thing I have ever done.” about a date that includes hide and seek and spin the bottle. The bar is set low enough that I think Jake can truly make her happy. (As long as he provides steak of course.)
Anyway, Jake gives her the rose. Gia can’t remember when she was this happy. Oh wait. She can. Almost to the day. “I haven’t felt this way in a year and a half,” she says. In the distance, someone tickles “On the Wings of Love” on the ivories.
Next up, the group date where the girls are told to prepare to get extremely dirty. I wish there was something remotely sexual about this show, but there’s not. Even as they steal yet another element from the skankiest show on television Rock of Love–remember when Bret went into diabetic shock when he and Heather were riding dune buggies back in the day?–they manage to make everything vanilla. Everyone rides in dune buggies! Some girls get stuck! Ali can’t stop talking about how much she despises Vienna! Yawn. This is followed by some sand surfing where some of the girls take nasty falls. Serious injury can be interesting, but alas, we’re not that blessed. Corrie, the man of a thousand voices, volunteers to take a tumble down a dune with Jake. She mentions that she’s having a good time. He reacts with this: “Corrie is really opening up.” Jake is not a smart man.
Night falls, and we move from the dunes to what is apparently a bordello. My God. This hotel boasts red carpet mixed with boulders, elaborate bedspreads, red barn doors, and black leather couches. And the girls are dressed for the scene. What happened to the rest of Ashlie’s shorts? Tenley’s skirt was much too short. Jake has on a hoodie, and these girls look like they might go make a couple of extra bucks on their backs. (Anything to get out of those damn RVs, I suppose.) Ashlie is up first.Â Her bottom is hanging out of her short shorts. She’s wearing a belly shirt. And she’s all over Jake. She even kisses him, and he responds with “So, what else?” That’s when I screamed. We’ve all kissed people who are probably gay or maybe a touch uncool or we’re embarrassed to even say we know–and to get a response like, “So, what else?” Well, I would just jump out the window.
Next up, Jake asks to see Vienna but she says that she would like to go last. Ali reacts with fury and sticks a fork in Vienna’s eye. Luckily,Â it was the lazy one, and Vienna is unaware of any obstruction.
Tenley, also a baby talker, gets grilled by Jake about her cheating ex-husband. She says the whole mess was especially painful for her because she was longing to be desired. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything more about that conversation because I couldn’t hear anything over my screams.
Let’s skip to Vienna, shall we? (How sad about the brunette–Jessie, I believe? ABC doesn’t even bother to show us anything about her on this date. It doesn’t bode well for Jessie, does it. Foreshadowing! Which is funny because that word has “shadow” in it, and no one loves eye shadow more than Jessie. But I digress.) Vienna tries to be rather sexy and coy (even with the fork sticking out of her eye!) and asks, “What do you think so far?” And because Jake is turned off by overtly sexual women who use adult voices, he proceeds to give her a talking to about her bad attitude.
Tenley is awarded the group date rose.
Let’s not get bogged down on the 2 on 1, okay? It was even more boring than everything so far. He takes Ella and Kathryn to dinner at some cabin. From the start, we know that Ella isn’t going to set foot back on the RV. He tells her, “I feel like with you, if I’m not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you from Ethan.” Well, our southern belle isn’t prepared for that. She doesn’t want to go home–kids are a pain! And that kid can’t even throw an airplane properly! She tells him that she doesn’t want him to do anything hasty–she can hang around. She’s a patient woman. But ultimately, “It’s in your hands,” she says. (Actually she says, “Iyit’s iyin your hayands.”)
Things don’t go so well for Kathryn either. “I love your eyes,” he says. “I keep getting lost in your eyes.” Okay, gross. And to her credit, Kathryn’s not buying it either. I don’t know if she’s tired or drunk or whatever, but she’s over him. She tells him that he’s always looking at other women when she’s around. He responds with great puzzlement. “There’s a natural connection between us,” he responds.
Liar! Rather than give either of these women a rose, he opts to toss it in the handy campfire. Burn on them!
Let’s go to the rose ceremony where Jake is sporting the ugliest tie ever, and the girls are poured into teeny tiny dresses.Â Seriously. We’ve talked about this before. Why can’t the producers pay for a stylist? Someone might even work pro bono after seeing a greatest hits of the sartorial crimes committed throughout the years. (Remember Jason’s child-size-small suits?)
Jessie finally gets her moment in the sun. Too bad she chose to wear a pound of green eyeshadow for the spotlight. I can barely concentrate on what she’s saying because I’m so focused on that eyeshadow. It’s like she got makeup tips from Endora on Bewtiched! “I’m not a gossip,” she says. “I don’t stir up drama.” And then she goes on to trash Vienna. What is it about Vienna that we’re not seeing? She’s annoying, but my God! These women hate her. Why can’t we know why? It might actually make the show worth watching if she’s going off on tirades about crashing cars and forcing her dad to buy her new ones, talking about having sex with her minister’s son, threatening people, wiping feces on her face, or whatever it is that she’s doing that is driving them all –and Ali especially–to a nervous breakdown. I WANT TO SEE IT.
Anyway, Jake doesn’t want to give all the roses away. Chris explains to the ladies that this is serious business. “Jake is here for a reason, and that’s to find a wife,” he says. “He’s asked me to take away one of his roses tonight, which means two of you will be going home.”
Jessie, we hardly knew ye. And Ashlie, you would have been better off jumping out the bordello window than going through the most dramatic humiliating rose ceremony ever.
That means Tenley, Ali, Corrie, Gia, and Vienna are headed to Buenos Aires no, wait Paris no, sorry Rome. Oh. San Francisco. Unless something happens to Vienna before then…
Until next week.