Your humble recapper is a very cheap lady. I don’t have a DVR. Sometimes that poses a problem for this little recapping side job. For instance, last night, I had a dinner run late, so I go home 32 minutes after the hour. Normally, I would ask a few friends for input but since my friends have given up on The Bachelor, I’m on my own. So my apologies. I did manage to catch the remaining 1.5 hours, and I was able to deduce that the cast made the cattle drive from Montana to Canada and that Catherine was given the first one-on-one date. I presume that she straddled Sean, made out with him, and was rewarded with a rose.
Once again the ambulance is called. When I returned to the regularly scheduled program already in progress, someone is being carried from a lake by a group of people. It’s our girl Tierra, rocking some mad shakes and Liza/Caberet makeup! Apparently the group date included a “polar bear plunge,” wherein the women were encouraged to show their love and devotion to Sean by jumping in a freezing lake. When Tierra begins to display symptoms of hypothermia, the show’s producers seem oddly unprepared. A group of people carry her to an SUV and then pat her. Then she’s moved to a wheelchair and given coffee, and I guess they pray the shakes away because by the time Sean visits, she’s no longer shaking, but an oxygen tube is hanging from her nose. Look, I have no idea if she was really ill. Seems like jumping into a freezing lake would be hazardous. All I know is, Sean is wearing shorts when he comes by for a visit.
“I don’t want you to see me like this. It’s the third time!” Tierra says as she makes room for Sean to lie in her bed. “You were unresponsive for a second there. It like scared me,” he tells her. “You keep finding ways to have one-one-one time with me.” He kisses Tierra and tells her to take it easy and rest instead of coming to the group date cocktail party. Silly Sean.
Obviously, Tierra comes to the cocktail party.
The only other thing of note here is that our friend Sarah decides to give Sean a surprise at the cocktail hour. On the list of fun surprises, looking at other people’s family photos does not rate very high. But that’s her surprise. And as Sarah shows Sean images from her childhood and prattles on about how excited she is for Sean to meet her family, we can see Sean disengage.
And when the party is over—political consultant Lesley M. wins the rose and Tierra begins planning her next malady—Sean pulls Sarah aside. He tells her that he’s not feeling it, and he doesn’t want to lead her on, so she needs to get the hell out. It actually was super sad. She, of course, blames herself and says, “I don’t know why this always happens to me.” Ugh. I just hate that. Are men scared away by the one-arm thing? I don’t know. But she’s a pretty lady and it stinks seeing people sincerely crushed on television. Anyway, Sean escorts her out and gives her a hug before sending her on her way. I guess even Sean realized laying a Frenchie on her at this point would be inappropriate. “That’s the way love goes,” Sarah says during the long walk towards the limo. Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire, Sarah. We wish you well.
If you commit to something, you can make it work. No matter what. Desiree is the winner of the second one-on-one date. For those of you (not) keeping up at home, this is her second one-on-one. This date consists of repeling, eating, drinking, and sitting in a teepee. Throughout the activities, Desiree reveals that she likes climbing trees, grew up living in tents and trailers, and she’s a smile talker. She and Sean kiss about 100 times and talk about taking things to the next level, which I took to mean sex, but probably just means the next round of the game show. Anyway, she gets the rose.
I’m emotionally invested in all eight of them. Sean is wearing a three-piece suit, so he’s clearly inVESTed. (I’m sorry. This is painful for all of us.) And the girls are playing to win. AshLee shows up with a surprise of her own. Forget family photos! (She doesn’t actually have a family, so that’s sad.) This girl brought a blindfold. It’s not what you think. See, AshLee is a control freak, so she would like for Sean to blindfold her and then lead her around the room, do whatever he needs to do, “signifying what I would allow you to do in this relationship.” Quickly bored of this game, Sean just picks her up, places her on a chair, and makes out with her.
Selma also has a surprise. Remember, she has remained cold sore free because of her respect for her parents, and she had previously told Sean that she would not kiss someone who was not her serious boyfriend on national television. Well, the woman is not an idiot. She knows she has to do something. This guy likes to kiss people. So she tells him to close his eyes, and she plants one on him. Then she weirdly channels Miranda Priestly and says, “That’s all.”
But it’s too little too late. Poor Selma and Daniella are shown the door. The end.
