Last night, I headed over to Highland Park Village for the premiere of Most Eligible Dallas. If I had any doubts about being underdressed as I walked to the theater, they were confirmed immediately by the young woman holding the clipboard. “Are you here to see Cowboys and Aliens?” she asked.
Once it was established that, old jeans or no, I was in the right place, I was able to gain entry, greedily drink some sparkling wine, and check out the show with a bunch of very dressed-up people. And now I can share my recap with you. Jump if you care. Check out pictures of people who were there, if you don’t.
Here’s the plot of this episode (series?): This lady named Courtney who lives in Dallas likes this man named Matt who also lives in Dallas. Matt does not like Courtney in a boy/girl way. This irritates Courtney to no end, and she picks fights at establishments in Dallas and Plano.
Who are these folks? Well, Courtney is a very tan, 29-year-old woman who, when she’s not going out on the town, “works closely” with Amber Venz. (We’re trying to determine what that means.) Dallas is a small town, and she runs into the same people all the time. “It’s very incestual,” she opines. Before finding stardom, she dated a gentleman for four years. He told her he was no longer attracted to her during the countdown on New Year’s Eve.
Her “best friend” Matt is a very tan former college football player who loves the ladies! He has black lacquer furniture in his bedroom! He loves hanging out at Teddy’s Room! He never plans on hooking up—he just goes with it! He invites 20 girls at a time to meet him! “Honestly, no one else can really do it,” he says. “Why do one on one when you can do one on three?” Playas gotta play!
Matt obviously has nothing to prove.
So we must endure this Sam/Diane, David Addison/Maddie Hayes couple—minus any of the chemistry—as they meet up and fight throughout the hour. Courtney is infuriated by the “blonde parade” that Matt has assembled at Teddy’s Room. Courtney doesn’t like the single mom (aka co-star) that Bravo forced Matt to bring to a dinner at Na’an Sushi. She is incensed when Matt dares to wear sunglasses and bring a newspaper to brunch at Sfuzzi. The woman used to work at Sunglass Hut at Willow Bend, so what’s her problem with shades? But it is the newspaper that truly perplexes her. “Are we reading the paper?” she asks, rolling her eyes at the absurdity. “He probably stopped by a coffee shop to get a paper,” she deduces. “I’m so sophisticated. Like, really, Matt?”
Poor dumb Matt, trying to appear literate on a television show.
As for the rest of the cast, they are merely supporting characters.
We’ll start with Drew Ginsburg. Surely you know Drew Ginsburg, yes? Everyone does, dahling. His last name carries a lot of weight in town. Speaking of weight, did you know Little Lord Fauntleroy lost 200 pounds? (I’m here all week!) I do have some sympathy for Drew—he’s new money, newly thin, and newly out, and he’s on a reality show. So I get it. That’s a tough combination. And he doesn’t seem all that worldly. Despite the fact that his mom is in Cairo, you don’t get the feeling they began talking about the revolution once the cameras stopped rolling. He can’t even pronounce “button” properly. (He says “buddon.”)
But get it together, sir! You do not need to address yourself as “Mr. Ginsburg” to the help. You are not Countess LuAnn, after all. You also do not need to sexually harass your concierge. No one needs to know that, “I take [my coffee] like I take my men: black.” And I have a hard time believing that the Sewell kids are allowed to call stick shifts a “d*ck in the floor” or “John Holmes” at their dad’s dealerships.
The food thing might be a problem. Drew lost 200 pounds thanks to gastric bypass and had a chest and tummy tuck. Now he’s doing a controversial 500-calorie diet that includes hormone injections. (Although, I would argue that the Caesar salad he ordered put him over his allowance for the day.) And he does that weird thing that people who fear food do—he orders food for his friends and watches them eat. In this case, he serves his dog a plate of french fries. (Not good for the dog, dude.)
But all of that pales in comparison to Drew’s attempt to smoke on camera. Parents, show your children footage of Drew smoking, and it will never seem cool again.
Next up is Tara, a lady who likes to save dogs and get engaged. She lives in Preston Hollow, near George Bush, and is worried that Al Queda could be down the street. She likes to drink wine, and she can’t go to Europe without someone asking “Who shot JR?” She apparently takes this as a compliment and not as an indication that maybe it’s time to change some things.
Next! Glenn is a professional football player. Like Matt, he is not looking for a relationship because he is very busy building his career. He has kicked for some 10+ NFL teams in the last eight years or so, and he can name them all! Photographic memory? Not so fast. He fails to mention that he was let go from many of those teams before the seasons began. He also fails to mention playing for the Amsterdam Admirals. Anyway, he favors a porkpie hat and wants to become a model. Seems like a logical career choice for a 31-year-old busy businessman.
Special guest stars on the episode include Jesus and Gregg Asher. Mentions of church, church camp, and crosses make appearances throughout the episode. Gregg Asher shows up at Tara’s house in an outfit that is so not Gregg. You know that scene in Clueless on the tennis court when Amber says of Ty’s outfit, “She could be a farmer in those clothes”? Yeah, it wasn’t that bad. But it wasn’t Gregg.
On to the last featured player: Neill, a 23-year-old single mom with a son named Major, whom she calls “Maje.” Of being a single mother, she says, “It’s fun. It’s hard, but it’s fun!” about 50 times. (Fifty bucks says she said that the night Maje was conceived.)
It seems Neill tried to make it in LA, but after toiling there for years and years and years, when she turned 23, she decided to try making it in Dallas. In addition to being a friend of Matt’s, she’s a singer. Guess what? Courtney is a friend of Matt’s, and she’s a singer, too.
Courtney obviously hates Neill.
In addition to committing the crimes of singing and friending Matt, Neill has gone out to dinner on a Wednesday night when she’s a mother! “She needs to be home with her child!” Courtney cries to everyone in the restaurant. (Luckily, that’s just the six of them.) When the other folks try to reason with her—inform her that mothers do in fact go out every single day, explain what “nannies” and “babysitters” are, and so forth—Courtney counters that she doesn’t understand why anyone would leave their baby alone to spend time with these strangers on a Wednesday night.
She has a point. I’m not sure anyone should spend time with these strangers on any night. But we will persevere!